m u i r f i e l d

arnold's is now a chicken place.

presents!

annual brunch.

1 1 5 .

spawn of satan and dad.

The Rock, The Family and Lo

After a record long time of 10.5 hours in the car, I finally made it to good ole Rockville Centre, affectionately known to it's young adult residents as The Rock. There was so much traffic on the Belt Parkway yesterday that I was stuck in a place about 15 minutes from my house for an hour and a half. I stared at the Welcome to Brooklyn sign that reads "How Sweet It Is!" for a half hour. Most people never notice that sign, but it's hilarious. Most people don't notice the sign on the Belt leaving Brooklyn that says, (and I'm serious) "Leaving Brooklyn: Fuhgeddaboudit." Google Image search them.

Anyway, my mom was of course waiting at the door for me (well, really she was waiting for Riley), and then gave me a hug for about 20 minutes. She has attachment issues and a severe case of empty nest syndrome. Mostly I just hung out because I didn't feel to well and thought about how much I loathe the inhabitants of The Rock, excluding my few good friends. I've posted a picture of my parents at their wedding because my dad just scanned it in, and I love my dad's pants. Go Mark! Woot! To my delight, my dad was being his hilarious overly-cynical self when I arrived, making for some great eye-rolling.



I can't wait to go see Lo today! I was supposed to go last night, but since I was feeling shitty and I was cranky, I postponed my visit to BK. Anyway I can't wait to see her and her new apartment! I have been missing her so much lately and I feel like we never get a chance to really talk because we are so busy, and I am irresponsible about calling her back.



Today I got a bagel with Beef and we wrapped some presents. I'm just hanging out until Lauren is done at work, and Beef ditched me to go buy a present for her boyfriend. He doesn't do anything but play video games and lacrosse, gamble in AC, and be a genius without trying...so he's impossible to shop for. I felt like posting this picture of her I also just found on the home computer. She was so cute. Now she's the devil...go figure!

Amygdala Seesaw

here's something interesting i've been thinking about...the idea of trusting no one. weird right? i have come to realize that even when people say they trust something, they don't. of course, i have made the foolish mistake of trusting people when i shouldn't have, but who hasn't? however, the mere fact that i have to state, "but who hasn't" means that there are loads of people who cannot be trusted, who can never trust anyone themselves and who have been trusted and then fucked it up.

now, dear reader, why should we trust anyone? i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and cynical and unhealthy - but there is some merit to truly believing, "every (wo)man for (her)himself." with the season of love and giving around us, i have tried to to embrace those important to me, but have constantly been second guessing myself with thoughts like "do they think of me in that way?" sometimes, the answer is, no. no they do not. they care more about another friend and less about you, they'd fight for another friend, but not for you. interesting isn't it?

i know i have some great friends, but i also know that i have some friends that are full of shit. they pretend to support me because they know that's the "right" thing to do, but when it comes down to it, i'm probably not at the top of their list.

it makes me wonder, who's list am i, in fact, at the top of? that may sound insecure, and it's not meant to, i do realize that i have some great people in my life...but s e r i o u s l y ...

Multifaceted and Fascinating

the answer to everything is the serenity prayer. this is always true. always.

the holidays have started to add the yearly anxiety that i both anticipate and dread. sigh. i have postponed going home to shorten my stay with my family. talk of non-wedding plans will be neither fun nor jovial.

ryan told me a great story tonight. the woman that cleans her classroom and doesn't speak english left her a christmas present. ryan always leaves her left-over food and gives a friendly hello, and i guess this unspoken bond between them has been solidified with the simple gesture that this fascinating woman has performed. actual holiday spirit is around. thank goodness.

i have written off everything else that's confusing as bullshit. whew. glad that's out of the way.

Sting Eyes

Look up toxic shame.

Interesting right?

i am human. i am proud of that.

ruiner.

jap

that's so long island of you.





go fuck yourself beaked animal.

Dance With Me

My kids are out of control. The excitement of Christmas has taken over FPG Preschool. They were just yelling and screaming at each other, hitting, breaking down crying...and so on. It was a tough day. Meredith's boyfriend told her she was "not in shape" this weekend, so she was in a bad mood. And Laura lost patience about 2 weeks ago. So now, Miss Kate is the nice teacher, which means the children run up to me to ask me if they are allowed to do certain things they know they aren't supposed to be doing. Those little fuckers know how to place a burden.

I went to Harris Teeter today, and I made eye contact with this girl who was passing by me, and she turned right into my face and started singing the lyrics, "Dance with me." It was awesome.

I am getting more excited for my birthday, as I have assigned all of the characters for the murder mystery. Woot! It's going to be exciting! Lots of food and alcohol plus a murder...what could be better?

In addition, Winne Cooper has made an exercise DVD.

reality?

anxious.

nervous.

cautious.

infinitely excited.

can there be a good heavy?

be cool, man.

so it's about 4:30 and i can't fall asleep. i had a great time out with friends tonight, which is positive, but i fucked up with ccpbt because i didn't call when i should have. i guess that's kind of silly. i have to remember i'm only human and i make mistakes.

in that realm, that's something i have been meaning to blog about. i talk a lot to patricia about how hard i am on myself. basically, i don't treat myself as a human, i expect more from myself than i do from other people, and i am infinitely unforgiving to myself when i make mistakes. but the truth is that i make mistakes, and i am only human. like i tell my kids, everyone has accidents, everyone makes mistakes, be cool man. sometimes when we are in situations where there is a lot of tension or stress, we are more inclined to get angry about the little things. however, in the long run, those little things don't matter at all.

so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to learn to forgive myself. when i do something dumb, i should just brush it off, i shouldn't feel like i need to slam my fingers in a drawer...know what i mean?

in other news, i love hanging with jack. it's a nice break from my current life and it instantly brings me back to fun times that took place aboiut 5 years ago, it's fantastic. it reminds me of this because it's part of my present and my past:

How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life

deep breaths and butterflies

today was rough. the kids were out of control. meredith and i think that they may not calm down until after christmas. everyday they are so excited about the fact that we are doing holiday activities. we actually had a kid pee on the floor. he was wearing jeans and sneakers and he peed on the fucking floor. there was a pool of piss on the floor. a pool. the titanic could've sunk in this oceanic sea of urea. he walked away from it, didn't tell anyone, and acted like he knew nothing about it when we caught him hiding with his pants soaked like a kitchen sponge. seriously, that's not normal. this pee was in the middle of the floor. the physics of it are mind-boggling. he was wearing pants, shoes, layers, for christ's sake. how did he have enough pee in him to form a puddle on the floor, when some had already absorbed into his pants and welled up in his shoes? how exactly? meredith and me now call him pee-pee pants...of course not to his face. instead of telling the kids to get their coats today after clean-up, mereidth said, "if you are a butterfly and you are ready to go outside...you have made mistake." it was hilarious.

in other news, i wish i was a mind reader. and i also wish beaked animals would hibernate. forever.

"Screw Christmas? Not on my watch."

"It's a Christmas Tree."
"Who are you, Linus?"
"Yes, yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas."
(Studio 60) God bless you, Matthew Perry.

Here's the thing: I'm sad. That's the long and short of it.

It's almost my birthday. I've started to get sad about it instead of excited. Boo.

I keep passing parking lots full of "Christmas Trees for Sale" signs. Boo to that too. I was really fucking excited about having a Christmas tree with Zach. Our first little Christmas together that we'd spend alone with our dog, no family bullshit. I mean, we'd visit our families soon after Christmas or maybe a little before, but on Christmas day we'd sleep in and exchange gifts with each other and cuddle and watch Christmas movies and make brunch. I had a whole vision of us decorating our tiny house with cute decorations and perfect ornaments for our tiny tree; in my dreams, it's awesome. I felt bad telling Zach because he never could make plans ahead of time because of work. Now I feel worse because it's actually not happening. Maybe that's a fantasy, but adorable couples do actually do those kinds of things. Man, this sucks. I suppose I could get my own little Christmas tree, which I might do, but still, that's not the point.

Ok, Ok...A lot of fantastic things have happened too. I made great personal choices, which is great. I stood up for what I want and I've stuck to that. I finished packaging all of my manuscripts, signed and sealed. Delivered tomorrow, I have to take them to the post-office. The stack of manila packaging is quite daunting. It was weird, I couldn't stop proofing my story, I read it a thousand times. I read my cover letters a thousand times. I checked the inside of the envelopes a thousand times. I shouldn't be nervous, I realize my chances of being published are slim to none, I guess it's kind of cool, I'm actually sending my shit to publishers! Woot! I'm also almost done Christmas shopping, awesome. I had a TON of presents to buy this year. My friends have been really special in the past few months with my situation and so I went out of my way to make sure I got everyone special gifts. Special gifts for special people. I think it's a little silly, buying presents to show I care, but I really wanted to celebrate my friends. I tink I dun goooood...so I'm happy, I hope everyone else will be! Plus I think I have some fun plans with Ryan and Nanette this weekend, hopefully that will work out, because I'm pretty excited to see Nanette's puppy :)

So I guess it's not all bad. Just different. I'm still sad, but I suppose I can be fine with different.

"I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. No woman's dream for a father. But I think I'm falling in love with you. So if you want to get a head start, you better start running now. I'm coming for you, Jordan."
Studio 60 was awesome tonight.


Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be

Remember taste?

I miss you roti.

I didn't go to work again today, I suck.

I still feel like shit. And I am completely bored. Also, I haven't been able to taste anything all week. This is really scary, thinking about never being able to taste ever again. This is the longest that I have ever not been able to taste. It's freaking me out.

I spent most of today angrily journaling. I don't know what sparked the sudden anger, I'm pretty comfortable with my current situation. I have finally come to terms with the fact that everything is out of my hands. And really there should be no decisions to make, as I have laid out what I need, and it's all fair to me. So what will be will be. If it turns out not to be what I want then it's not what I wanted anyway, right? Everyone wants to be wanted.

I also realized that I've matured so much through the past couple months that I now have balls. The balls to say how I feel, the balls to do my own thing, the balls to actually feel anger. it's cool. balls are cool.

plus, i think i'm worth the diamonds.

[dances away in sexy red dress to some sean paul...]

Boo.

I hate you sickness.

Die.

I want a Frosty. And a chicken sandwich, hello #6.

Plus, I still want that Flat-Top Roti.

I MISERABLEEEESSS.

MISERABLES.

Invalid

After missing three days of work, I have crazy cabin fever. Mostly I've slept a lot, which has been good, it's what I needed to do, but the rest of the time I haven't had enough energy to do anything but sit. It would've been a great opportunity to get stuff done around the house, but I can hardly walk around, nevermind actually get anything accomplished.

In these instances of sitting around, I have thought a lot about Christmas and what I will buy (have bought) for my friends and family. It's silly but I feel like this year has spanned the absolute good and the absolute bad of my life. It started with the excitement and thrill of my wedding and it ended with my entire world crashing down. I am thankful that I have had at least some good wits about me and that I was able to build it back up again. 2007 will start in a good place. I am happy that I have such great friends and family who supported me this year, and hopefully I can afford to buy them great Christmas presents! That seems a little silly, but I want to show these people that I am somehow thankful.

I also feel like I have accomplished so much personally, especially in the last few weeks. I know that I have to try to trust people again. When people say they are sorry, I have to believe they are actually sorry - or else, what kind of world would I be living in? I mean, I'm not naive, I'm not saying I'm completely ignorant, but if I want to build up any sort of trust, I have to start sometime.

Dead

It's 3pm and I just woke up. If I were a horse...they'd shoot me.

Looks like I won't be able to make it Raleigh tonight, again. This fucking sucks.

This is the first time I've lived alone and been sick. It's lonely and depressing. This fucking sucks, more.

Bugars!...and lots of them

i've had a rough day.

i woke up later than usual because i couldn't breathe during the night and was trying to get a few extra minutes. i went to work and i felt like i was in a fog because my head is so clouded...in more ways than one of course. i made a doctor's appointment for noon. i left work with permission not to return.

when i got to the doctor she gave me like every test imaginable to figure out why i keep getting sick and am not getting better. i sat with a breathing machine tube in my mouth for 20 minutes while i simultaneously had blood drawn to do a Hgb test. trust me, this experience was phenomenal...

NOT (think borat).

so my doctor was stumped - she prescribed me three more medications in addition to the three i am already taking. and in two weeks i have to go back to probably get another chest x-ray and prednisone - and if that doesn't work, here i come hospital bed! i hate taking medicine...blech, it sucks, and it makes me feel weak, like my body can't handle itself.

then i came home, i brought work from school for the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) accredidation that we are doing - this is awesome only because i get paid to work from home! we have to organize this huge binder, labeled with colored sticker for each of the 1000 categories for child development that NAEYC outlines. my class has done very little on our binder - eek - so i started to work on that. meredith and i agreed that she's a do-er and i'm an organizer...so i'm in charge of the binder. it's a huge responsibility and goes directly to our director and to NAEYC, but i think i'm doing a pretty kick-ass job, and holding my own. it feels good to be respected at work...plus i am becoming better friends with the people i work with and i can tell that the staff respects me. plus the kids seem to like me too!

while i worked on my NAEYC accredidation i put on animal planet. RILEY LOVVVVEDD IT! LOVED IT. i was watching Meercat Manor, and riley went up to the TV and licked it. apparently, riley loves meercats. i do too. i love impressions of meercats too.

now i still feel like shit, all i want is some velveeta mac and cheese which i will not go out and get because im too sick. i wish i could transport it here with my mind.

Romance

Ok, ok, the post I wrote earlier was crazy - but I'm a little crazy...if you have this blog address, you're probably aware of that.

Now since I talked about wants, I would like to go into dreamland for a minute and talk about romance. I've been watching Julia Roberts movies all afternoon since I've been drowning in my pneumonia. (Also, I cannot wait to see The Holiday - rock on Kate and Cam).

Wouldn't it be awesome if your knight in shining armour showed up at your front door with flowers? I hate it when people say flowers are cliche - that's bullshit, I don't know anyone who wouldn't be ecstatic if their man showed up unexpectedly, for no reason, with flowers...and maybe some riesling in my case.

They're flours...I brought you flours.

No pain, no hurt...we'll go dreeeaaaaammmmmin

Fucking Petrified

I have never been more scared in my life.

That being said, I feel good about myself. Confused? Me too.

I have made some HUGE personal growth steps recently that I feel really awesome about - however, I really put myself out there, and now it could all come tumbling down on top of me. Now, as humans, I feel that we all want to get what we want, right? Of course we do.

In my almost 23 years of life, I don't feel like I have genuinely "wanted" many things. I wanted my Intel research to do well, which it did. I wanted to graduate with honors in college, which I did not. I wanted to get into physical therapy school, which I did not. I wanted to finish my novel, which I have not yet done. These are the things I feel like I have genuinely wanted...aside from relationships (because we all know that you have very little "control" over those kinds of things.) Anyway, I guess that we can all have a long list of wants...and it's possible that we never get them. Life's not fair. And that's the truth.

For the first time since my sophomore year of college, I am proud of myself. I listened to what my own NEEDS were...I put my wants out on a limb, full well knowing that they may not be realized. I am putting my selfish wants aside, and taking care of myself by understanding what I need. Holy shit. I am scared to death.

Man, that guy is so accidentally cool!

Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we feel bad. Sometimes we forgive, sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we have to break down and admit we are human.

A movie about doing everything "penguinely possible." Get happy.

Unconditional

always.

Overwhelmed

i just want to feel understood. what i feel and say is valid.

i miss zach. just those stupid little things like telling him funny stories about my day, sharing my concerns, and feeling a warm body at night. i guess those are not so little or stupid.

i am jealous and full of anger. i hate it. most of all, i hate feeling jealous of someone who doesn't deserve me to feel jealous about them.

i want to be validated.

"He walks around with his head in his pocket."

seriously, maybe I missed them, but I don't think Harris Teeter carries Parker House Rolls...probably they just don't have them in the south - this is h e a r t b r e a k i n g .

i'm not doing so great, but that's o.k., some great things have happened in the past few days that hopefully will pass on a happy feeling. i'm stressed about my family coming. i love my mom, but sometimes i just can't take her. i am thankful for my family, of course, and i would never just abandon them or write them off, but i just want to be by myself.

just by myself.

too much in my heart.

missing.

oh man.

i really hate the self-pity that this entry supposes, but i'm heavy.

i wish i had a fireplace in my condo.

i'm watching Jim Henson's Puppet-Up..improvised uncensored puppet show. they are doing comedysportz shortform games with Jim Henson's Puppets. ummmmmmmmmm...i'm being serious. it's fucking awesome. fucking sweet idea for a show. i'm looking into it.

Poopy, Mommy...POOPY, MOMMY!

In the car I was thinking about how great it is to feel inner calmness. Not that I feel this inner calmness, but I have started to have glimpses of it in the past few weeks. Usually I am by myself, laying in my bed or driving in the car. I have been thinking a lot about how people change in life. Not just the normal, "grow up" changes or changes to acclamate to a new place, but change to small nuances about themselves that serve to make them better.

I was remembering how many notebooks I have from high school full of short stories and poetry that my mom has put up into the attic in order to declutter my room. I have a lot of notebooks. I think I even have more stories stored on some CD's from our old computer's hard drive. It made me feel calm to know that I could go back to something like writing for myself which I had lost site of through the busy work of college and the thrill of relationships.

Also, the sunset looked beautiful on the way home, perfect shades of purple, pink, and orange. Riley is exhausted from playing with the dogs, which is utterly adorable and awesomely convenient. And I really want a roti from Flat Top...I miss those pancake-like flatbread pieces of heaven.

M E R G E R R E G R E M

"I thought you might want this orientation binder..."

"No, Tobey. It's an orientation not a boring-entation."

Now, maybe it's just me...but now that the two Offices have merged and Stamford is now part of the Scranton office, the show has just reached it's awesomely amazing potential. And seeing Ed Helms work in the same scenes as Steve Carell is truly delightful.

I love the show for many reasons. One of the best reasons is the fact that it takes place in Scranton, and that's where Beef lives. Scranton is very much a part of my family's life. So, when The Office writers put into play songs like "There ain't no party like a Scranton party," or "Lazy Scranton," my little improv loving heart meets my Scranton family history and my mind explodes. IT'S AWESOME.

Also, we had our parent get together this afternoon, and we showed the premier, uncut version of The People Show. It was phenomenal. The parents thought it was adorable and the kids thought it was hilarious to see themselves on TV. Even better, Jason said he would edit it and put their names on it, which is so great. I love that guy. Seriously. The kids are going to be stoked if their names appear. I love my job.

Lastly, I think I need a tape-recorder. I have a lot of poetry that runs through my head all day long and a lot chapter ideas for my novel and I can never remember them all even when I go to write them down. I suppose it's kind of creepy to carry around a tape-recorder, but I don't care. I think it will lead me to a Pulitzer.

Harry Potter meets The DiVinci Code with Sex Boobs

This is Desmond. He is a super baby that I had dinner with tonight. This is also Desmond's dad, Christopher. He is the guy that came up with the title for this blog post.

I love hanging with Chris and Jas. I love that they are just normal people who have actual morals and actual lives and love each other. I was thinking about how fast it's moving into the holidays and how they have their own little family and it will be Desmond's first Christmas and it made me think about how I would just like to be by myself for the holidays this year. Of course, I will not be alone, I will go home and see my family and friends...but I would rather be alone.

I just feel like things having to do with "holidays" have lost their glow. Things that seemed exciting in my "old" life have lost their appeal to me, which I suppose is kind of sad, but may just be a sign that I am moving into a new chapter. I mean, I don't know, maybe my thought will change by tomorrow. However, I need to live the life I want to live and I'm trying hard to do that.

Good

So something cool - I actually feel pretty good today. I was having a stressful day at work yesterday. Dealing with parents is not fun when they don't understand the guidelines of the school you work at...um, hello - you cannot just make up your own rules. And you certainly cannot humiliate your child in front of her classmates and think that it's funny. Uh, sigh.

That got me down yesterday and I was dreading today - but it seems like my day will end up being pretty positive. I have my iO south class tonight, which I am excited about. The people in the class are really great. Though I hate driving to Raleigh, it always ends up being worth it.

Also, I am happy to be feeling better. However, the only stinky thing is that I have had to take a break from Ninjutsu because I went when I was sick and ended up losing my voice for 4 days. But I will ready again next week! I think the house is finished too, which is awesome. It came out fucking fantastic...plus the new bedding I got is sweetness to the max!

On top of all that jazz, I started putting together my queries and letters and manuscripts to send to publishers...it's hard as hell and super complicated. Thank God for Writer's Market. It's been taking up all my spare time, but I think it's worth it. Who knows if any of my manuscripts will be accepted but it's a really great experience.

And most of all, I am super excited for my trip this weekend. I cannot wait to get away and spend some time with a very adorable 2 year old!

Despite anything else that's going, I feel good. T-minus 1 month until the big 2 3!

Really? Ok, ok, it's hilarious.

I was at the mall and I was eating near a candy stand in the food court. Of course, I was mesmerized by the colorful bins of sugary cavity creations. I was checking out the selection, and I noticed hilarity hiding behind the three different flavors of Pop-Rocks...

a box of Benedryl Allergy, Immodium AD and Alka-Selzer.

Three medications hidden on the candy stand.

H A ! a w e s o m e .

H E A V Y

Tomorrow will be an extremely hard day for me.

I could use your support.

s u n d a y .

Dramatic Irony Will Get You Everytime

"Well, what are they?"

"They're flours. I brought you flours...I brought you flours."

- Stranger Than Fiction

RU - FI - OOOOOOOOOO

g r o w u p P e t e r P a n .



More to come on metaphors.

Frustrated Incorporated

When I was in the fifth or sixth grade, I was obsessed with the song Misery by Soul Asylum. o b s e s s e d. Why the hell as an innocent eleven year old did I like this song so much? Seriously, what the fuck did I have to be frustrated about? It's absolutely hilarious in retrospect - only because I know exactly what my room was decorated like when I was belting out tunes while sitting at my desk playing with my sticker book. I looooooved that sticker book.

Now, I was thinking to myself today how frustrating my life is, how much anger I carry around, and why the hell it has to be this way. Dear reader, you may be thinking, "It doesn't have to be this way Katie, you are in control." And I would reply, "Yes reader, you are correct." However, there is a great separation between intellect and emotions. At least I know this, some people walk around acting on their emotions and forget that their brain has more than one function. (The inner workings of the brain are truly amazing, by the way, but that is another post entirely.) Anyway, I just have a hard time trying to convice myself that I am doing the right thing because it just feels so empty emotionally. Things that feel emotionally satisfying may be perceived as the "wrong" thing, even though they are perfectly o.k.

I hate that I am constantly being judged. I think people around here think I am some kind of idiot. Like they are smarter than me because they are interested in different things. Note: this only makes them different, definitely not smarter. People think they can get away with a lot because we have cell phones and the internet. And the truth is - they can. Of course, it's still wrong, any way you slice it, maybe they'll catch on eventually, maybe they'll get a clue.

The problem with posting "they" or "you" is that when people read this, they may think it's about them, but they are probably wrong. Just think about the sticker book.

Tangled

i am exhausted.

i want to trust.

i want you to get a clue.

why does it have to be so heavy?

i am tired of feeling heavy.

Today

+

+

+

=

See Buddy, You're not a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.

Finally, I am feeling some acceptance of my life. My situation is still completely unstable, but at least I have a grip on life now. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten that everything that happened is fuckity-fucked up...but now there is room for change. I plan to move forward with pride.

In other news:


We had an ambulance visit at school today for the kids to explore. They loved it! Except, for a three year old, the word AM-BU-LANCE is extraordinarily hard to say...so most kids were telling their parents that we had an Alien visit us at school today.

Inspiration for Life

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

Eh?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about expectations lately. Recently, I made a list of everything I want in my life. Everything I want in relationships, friendships, and career. I have been thinking about the circles of life, choices we make, how we are affected, how we affect other people. It is really confusing, and completely emotionally draining. Since making my list, I have been guarded, ears open, eyes alert. I have been watching everyone's moves, wondering what their motivation is for making these moves. This goes for everyone I know...I have been observing you.

Sometimes though we do things that are hurtful, we feel these choices will help us in the long run. The funny thing about making a choice and then following through with it is that once it's done, it's done, we can't take it back. I think sometimes we have to let go of certain areas in our life so that we can move on to others. And we need to reevaluate our friendships, relationships and career goals. Do we need to have certain people in our lives? Are they that important to us? The truth is - some of them are and some of them are not. This is extremely hard to face. It can take tragedy to make us realize that this is the truth.

I think sometimes we keep someone around because they fill a void that you think you need them to fill and we are too afraid to let them go. We could probably do things more simply on our own. We need to evaluate whether or not having these relationships is enhancing our lives or creating more stress. I suppose it is always safer to be on our own - never to get hurt by anyone else, never to share pain or angst with anyone else, completely cut off from sharing your life with another.

But what is the point in that? You would never be able to have any adventures.

I even broke down my Christmas list (yes I make a Christmas list) into categories. Realistic, Semi-Realistic, Unrealistic. I have been doing this with my own expectations and wants, sorting them out visually so that I can possibly separate them emotionally as well. So far it has been working. Kudos to me :)

Please.

We have control over these.

We have control over whether or not we are one of these.

I believe in change. Please pull through.

Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you



Please.

It's not a secret...I'm totally crazy.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I really wanted to get away this weekend, go to Asheville, relax at a B&B and work on my books. I say "books" plural because I have started writing a children's book in addition to my novel. It is actually very difficult to write, trying to fit in what you want to say in simple language that children can relate to.

I have also started to feel a lot of anger. It's tearing me apart. I have so many trust issues now that I don't know what to believe or who to believe. Even when I know for a fact I am being lied to, right in my face, straight into my eyes, I still believe what I hear. Why? Why the hell would I do that?

It's made me wonder how the heart can be so strong. Love is powerful. I know people who don't feel anything, and it is just downright sad. They are o.k. with ambivalence and ambiguity because they are too afraid to commit to anything. I mean, clearly I put in my whole heart, and I got crushed, so I can imagine why you would want to stay in the "I don't know," arena. BUT you are missing out on life. It makes no sense to live like that.

Yes, I am crazy. I am constantly thinking about how short life is, how there is never enough time to do the things you want to do or accomplish things you want to accomplish. I try not take things for granted, of course I do sometimes, but I at least try to be conscious of what's important. I have realized through all of this fog that most people do not.

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I am so freakin mad. I actually hate in my heart. HATE. That is a very strong word, at least that's what I tell my preschoolers. I guess I have a right to be mad and all, but I also do not like the fact that I feel like I could shank a knife through someone's armpit and out their back. That's too much. I'm sorry. Sometimes I go too far.

Halloween Update

After an awesome Halloween parade and outdoor carnival, my kids were pooped. POOPED, I tell ya! It was great! I was Tinkerbell, all day long. It was a fantastic Halloween, it even ended with an adventure of my own!

Cameron as puppy dog...look at his little paws.

Ruthie as Batgirl and Tyrell as Batman. Ruthie told me that she was going to marry Tyrell. When I asked her why, she said, "Because I love him," and then she ran away.

Liam as an Elephant and Kieran as a Lion.

Joshua as a pirate. It should be noted that he has talked about this costume for a month. He told me repeatedly that he couldn't bring his sword to school because that wouldn't be safe.

Aaliyah in her Halloween outfit.

Litte Avery as a Ladybug!

Me as Tinkerbell; clearly taken by Aaliyah.

Corvalen the fireman, Ruthie Batgirl, Gabriel the Football Player and Layla Tinkerbell.

Riley is a devil. No further explaination needed.

Relaxation

I love adventures.

Before I begin this post, I would like to say that I have always thought of myself as a very nice person. Of course, I have bitchy moments, lash out inappropriately from time to time, but who doesn't? I try very hard to be a good friend, an eager listener, a loving hug. I had never had reason to hate anyone before.



Now here is the matter at hand: Shame and Embarrassment. What happens when you realize you've blown it. You made decisions because you didn't care about the consequences and now you don't know who you are or what you did. The thing about is that you don't feel embarrassed. You don't feel shame. You don't feel guilt. You keep showing up at the places that made you happy in your old life, before you fucked up, because you are in denial that you fucked up. What kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be? I mean, can anyone ever really know themselves? We are ever-changing. But I find that we have to know ourselves enough to be great citizens, great friends, great lovers, great partners, great children, great parents at any given moment in time. We are allowed to have times of weakness, but when we feed into these choices, we must feel. We must feel shame, guilt, embarrassment. After we have dealt with that, we can heal. We can renew.

At this juncture, you should make choices that will positively impact you and the people around you. Embrace your life, run with it. Find hobbies you like, a home you find comfort in, and self-knowledge that is real.

This weekend I met some of my old friends from Kappa. I updated them on the situation and of course, no one knows what to say, and everyone is awkward about saying the wrong thing or awkward about the fact that they don't know what to say at all. However, something FANTASTIC happened. After everyone shook their heads about how fucked up and sad everything was, my friend Natalie thanked me. She said thank you to me for sharing my story with her. She said she felt like if I could get through such a heavy tragedy that anything that happens to her from now on won't seem that bad. If I could get through this, then she could handle it too. For the first time, I actually believed I was enlightened by everything that happened. I have learned through a real life, horrific experience. I am stronger and more self-aware, and I really felt it for the first time at the moment that Natalie thanked me. I actually felt stronger. It's in there! YES! I wish it shined through more often :)

Besides that moment, I am frustrated. I feel like I am working hard. I have been reading, writing, thinking intensely about what I can do to change my own life. I deserve something great.

MY LIFE.

Also...

I remember seeing this photo on display on Open Eye and it was sold before I blinked twice. It's fantastic evidence that moments like this actually exist. Doesn't it put your life in perspective? It's exquisite.

Oui.