Before I begin this post, I would like to say that I have always thought of myself as a very nice person. Of course, I have bitchy moments, lash out inappropriately from time to time, but who doesn't? I try very hard to be a good friend, an eager listener, a loving hug. I had never had reason to hate anyone before.



Now here is the matter at hand: Shame and Embarrassment. What happens when you realize you've blown it. You made decisions because you didn't care about the consequences and now you don't know who you are or what you did. The thing about is that you don't feel embarrassed. You don't feel shame. You don't feel guilt. You keep showing up at the places that made you happy in your old life, before you fucked up, because you are in denial that you fucked up. What kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be? I mean, can anyone ever really know themselves? We are ever-changing. But I find that we have to know ourselves enough to be great citizens, great friends, great lovers, great partners, great children, great parents at any given moment in time. We are allowed to have times of weakness, but when we feed into these choices, we must feel. We must feel shame, guilt, embarrassment. After we have dealt with that, we can heal. We can renew.

At this juncture, you should make choices that will positively impact you and the people around you. Embrace your life, run with it. Find hobbies you like, a home you find comfort in, and self-knowledge that is real.

This weekend I met some of my old friends from Kappa. I updated them on the situation and of course, no one knows what to say, and everyone is awkward about saying the wrong thing or awkward about the fact that they don't know what to say at all. However, something FANTASTIC happened. After everyone shook their heads about how fucked up and sad everything was, my friend Natalie thanked me. She said thank you to me for sharing my story with her. She said she felt like if I could get through such a heavy tragedy that anything that happens to her from now on won't seem that bad. If I could get through this, then she could handle it too. For the first time, I actually believed I was enlightened by everything that happened. I have learned through a real life, horrific experience. I am stronger and more self-aware, and I really felt it for the first time at the moment that Natalie thanked me. I actually felt stronger. It's in there! YES! I wish it shined through more often :)

Besides that moment, I am frustrated. I feel like I am working hard. I have been reading, writing, thinking intensely about what I can do to change my own life. I deserve something great.

MY LIFE.

Also...

I remember seeing this photo on display on Open Eye and it was sold before I blinked twice. It's fantastic evidence that moments like this actually exist. Doesn't it put your life in perspective? It's exquisite.

Oui.

The People Show

Layla in costume.

My class has decided to make a T.V. show. It's ingenius. It's called the people show, and it stars people who like healthy foods. These people will be dressed up as different characters cooking in the kitchen. It is a phenomenal idea that Ruthie came up with. We had dress rehearsal on Friday, which mainly consisted of everyone fighting over who gets to wear the high heels and the rain-boots. I think it was pretty successful. Since Corvalen is the cameraman (who can be seen wearing an orange jacket in an earlier post), it's sure to be a pretty concise taping. I'm psyched!

I was happy that my week cluminated with that positive note. It has been a lot of ups and downs and "I don't knows..." nothing new really, just the same old push and pull. I have been taking it better than I expect though, which is kind of empowering. Generally, I have felt pretty satisfied with my life. I have beeb busy, I love my job, I feel like I can be creative again. It's just I have this whole full life, and I wish that other people did as well. I wish it wasn't always about work for some people, in general. I mean, there are plenty of ways to be successful other than exceling at your job. Having great friends, family, people that care about you, being interesting and interested in different things, sharing views and having fun relaxing. There is just so much more to life than some people realize. I know that in my case, it is a matter of internal torture, trying to figure yourself out so you can really get what you want...but still, when do you look back and say, "Maybe there is more to it than that?" Life is hard, but I am glad to have had the experiences I have enjoyed and endured. I believe more firmly than ever in Truth, Laughter, and Balance.

It also looks like my new improv project isn't going to work out. Everyone is just too busy and there is no time to take on anything new. I completely understand, I am just down about it.

Looks Like I Was Correct.

I am a fucking idiot. I just let people use me like I am worthless. I mean, really...can I be any more stupid?

Left or Right

I just don't know what's right anymore.

Am I an idiot?

A pawn in a chess game?

An American Idol

HOLY SHIT. I saw Mia Hamm today at Pepper's Pizza. She was eating with her husband, her dad, and Cindy Parlow. I was too afraid to talk to her. I mean, HOLY SHIT. I cannot describe. Plain and simple, it was awesome.

This is the poster I had up in my room since I was about 10 years old.

Pumpkin Patch

The Pumpkin Patch field trip that my Butterflies Preschool class took today was fantastic. We went on a hay ride, fed the goats, navigated both a corn maze and a hay maze, and of course, picked our own pumpkins. It is so wonderful to be 3 years old. All of the children were so excited about the fact that they got to go out on the farm and explore. It's just a magical experience to take a glimpse into a 3 year olds head. Their lives are not complicated. They just play. They just do things for fun. They just live.

I wish that I could let go of all the heavy tension that lays in my heart, stomach, and back muscles. I know that I can choose happiness whenever I want, no matter what my circumstances - but what if I choose the wrong kind of happiness...the fleeting kind? What about trust, love, and mutual respect? So many "what if's." I'm just so tired of all of that...just let me be happy. Let me please understand what it means to overcome, move forward. I guess this is kind of a prayer to the blog gods - I wish I was 3 again, where I needed help to tie my shoes and I played chef in my Little Tikes kitchen.

Vanilla Steamer

I love when Sundays are actually relaxing, and you feel calm when they are over.

What are you doing?

I'm just relaxing.

Just What Your Worth

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix you.

Be like Mike

I just don't want to hurt this badly anymore. I want things to work out for everyone. But I also want what I want. I feel like my life is being taken away piece by piece. Can't I catch a break? Just for once...can someone come through?

I don't give a shit if this sounds like self-pity. I'm tired and I want to be happy. I don't want others to suffer, but I want to get that 3-pointer at the buzzer.

The Smell of University Mall

I have so much that I want to write about. Too many mexican jumping beans in my head to even begin to articulate what they are saying. In fact, it's even a little scary that I refer to my inner thoughts as mexican jumping beans...all I can picture are beans with Mexican accents, sombreros, and morroccas yelling powerful statements about life - bizarre, yet HILARIOUS.

All I can consistently think about is how freakin tired I am. I am like a Zombie all day, and at night I can never fall asleep for more than a half-hour. In that tired state, the smell of University Mall was really getting to me. It seemed stronger and more powerful than normal. It's not a bad smell, it just smells a certain way, and everytime I walk through those doors, I think to myself, "Oh, yeah, that's what it smells like." I think being tired has somehow heightened my sense of smell.

Jumping beans, zombies and strong olfactory sense...but really, why does University Mall smell like that?

Empowerment

The Lesson

I keep on dying again.
Veins collapse, opening like the
Small fists of sleeping
Children.
Memory of old tombs,
Rotting flesh and worms do
Not convince me against
The challenge. The years
And cold defeat live deep in
Lines along my face.
They dull my eyes, yet
I keep on dying,
Because I love to live.

- Maya Angelou

Everyone has choices to make. Everyone has choices. Things don't just happen. Things don't just magically fall from the sky and create situations. People make choices. And everyone has to live with the consequences of these choices. This is the truth. It always will be.

Soon, I will probably be forced to be gone. To be changed. And hopefully, that is the right choice. I will continue to stick it out, continue to "keep on dying again." Painfully tortured because I believe in my heart it's worth it.

I'm scared.

We'll See

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
October 9th, 2006

Quickie:
There are many mysteries for you to solve -- explore today as early as you can.

Overview:
Feeling stubborn? That's no surprise. The stars make you more persistent than ever. If there's anyone who can make others see the light, it's you. Just make sure you don't get unnecessarily stuck in one place.

Such is Life.

Everything is so confusing. There are so many questions being presented in my mind, I hardly know what to make of it. I am completely clear about the way I feel. I know that of course, I should trust the way I feel, but then there's dealing with the disappointment when things don't work out the way I would like. And so...such is life.

I know a lot of things intellectually. The way I have been treated is unfair and completely disrespectful. I obviously deserve better. I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing is that I can't help how I feel. I feel such deep love and understanding. The person that I love is not the same person that hurt me. But really, that's not up to me to decide...maybe they are the same person. Clearly it is silly for me to love someone that isn't sure if they love me - on top of the fact that they like someone else as well. I just can't help trust my gut. My gut tells me that my love is true, real, and genuine. But what about the other half...what's he doing? It is so difficult to sort out. I feel bad for him that he can't figure it out. If he really likes someone else, there is nothing else I can do about that. And so...such is life.

I just feel so bad about the inner turmoil and absolute torture that both us are feeling right now. It is so unsettling to not know what you want...to like two people at the same time for completely different reasons...to trick yourself that what you feel is right is actually wrong...to not love yourself...to feel sad and guilty...to be utterly and seriously confused. I just feel foolish for loving someone that is so unsure if they love me. It seems that the life I lead is foolish now too. I cannot be someone I'm not. I can't pretend I like things that I don't. I happen to like who I am, and I would hope that people like me because of who I am, not the other eccentric and seemingly weird things that are apparently attractive. I am smart, pretty, fun, I am good at my job, I have goals, dreams and interests, I know what I like and what I want...I happen to think I am an awesome girl. All of this on top of the fact that i treated our relationship with respect and love, going out of my way to make that love and respect known. I know that the daily grind of life can be draining and mundane, but part of being in the relationship is to be fulfilled by the satisfaction that comes from the fact that your partner completes your life. I know that I am not interested in any relationship right now, but I do want to get back to knowing the old partner that I fell in love with, the guy who is just himself, hanging out. I know the reality is that he could pick the other girl, not being able to shake the feeling that they are friends and he is vulnerable and she was there to step into that vulnerability. This is my reality. And so...such is life.

Tortured

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Lo

This is an original post from Lauren's blog from October 1st - however, she writes about this topic much better than I could ever write anything. So just read closely.

"reality is two-faced.

one can only trust a person from what they are willing to show. but, the things that are left unsaid and unseen speak volumes between friends, enemies, and aquaintainces alike.

i think we all try really hard to convince those around us of who we are, at least before they can decide without our influence. but most times we lose. because we all seek validation, we can easily see through the trappings of ambition and fear.

our best friends are perhaps those we share the most with, in whom we trust the greatest. but i think that within that trust, the ability to perceive a person becomes muddied and biased. in feelings of love and hate, we become blind to the actual person as we become embroiled in what that person means to us. maybe reality will always play second fiddle to perception, or maybe we can never really trust what we perceive."


she hit the nail on the head, didn't she?

Rules to Live By

I have never experienced so much pain and hurt. I miss Zach so much. Why wasn't I good enough.

Corinthians 13:4
1 If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don't have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don't have love, I am nothing.

3 If I dole out all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but don't have love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,

5 doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;

6 doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;

10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.

12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.

13 But now faith, hope, and love remain-these three. The greatest of these is love.