The 5 Foot A s s a s s i n

Before I begin this post, I would like to say that I have always thought of myself as a very nice person. Of course, I have bitchy moments, lash out inappropriately from time to time, but who doesn't? I try very hard to be a good friend, an eager listener, a loving hug. I had never had reason to hate anyone before.



Now here is the matter at hand: Shame and Embarrassment. What happens when you realize you've blown it. You made decisions because you didn't care about the consequences and now you don't know who you are or what you did. The thing about is that you don't feel embarrassed. You don't feel shame. You don't feel guilt. You keep showing up at the places that made you happy in your old life, before you fucked up, because you are in denial that you fucked up. What kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be? I mean, can anyone ever really know themselves? We are ever-changing. But I find that we have to know ourselves enough to be great citizens, great friends, great lovers, great partners, great children, great parents at any given moment in time. We are allowed to have times of weakness, but when we feed into these choices, we must feel. We must feel shame, guilt, embarrassment. After we have dealt with that, we can heal. We can renew.

At this juncture, you should make choices that will positively impact you and the people around you. Embrace your life, run with it. Find hobbies you like, a home you find comfort in, and self-knowledge that is real.

This weekend I met some of my old friends from Kappa. I updated them on the situation and of course, no one knows what to say, and everyone is awkward about saying the wrong thing or awkward about the fact that they don't know what to say at all. However, something FANTASTIC happened. After everyone shook their heads about how fucked up and sad everything was, my friend Natalie thanked me. She said thank you to me for sharing my story with her. She said she felt like if I could get through such a heavy tragedy that anything that happens to her from now on won't seem that bad. If I could get through this, then she could handle it too. For the first time, I actually believed I was enlightened by everything that happened. I have learned through a real life, horrific experience. I am stronger and more self-aware, and I really felt it for the first time at the moment that Natalie thanked me. I actually felt stronger. It's in there! YES! I wish it shined through more often :)

Besides that moment, I am frustrated. I feel like I am working hard. I have been reading, writing, thinking intensely about what I can do to change my own life. I deserve something great.

MY LIFE.