Such is Life.

Everything is so confusing. There are so many questions being presented in my mind, I hardly know what to make of it. I am completely clear about the way I feel. I know that of course, I should trust the way I feel, but then there's dealing with the disappointment when things don't work out the way I would like. And so...such is life.

I know a lot of things intellectually. The way I have been treated is unfair and completely disrespectful. I obviously deserve better. I know that I did nothing wrong. The only thing is that I can't help how I feel. I feel such deep love and understanding. The person that I love is not the same person that hurt me. But really, that's not up to me to decide...maybe they are the same person. Clearly it is silly for me to love someone that isn't sure if they love me - on top of the fact that they like someone else as well. I just can't help trust my gut. My gut tells me that my love is true, real, and genuine. But what about the other half...what's he doing? It is so difficult to sort out. I feel bad for him that he can't figure it out. If he really likes someone else, there is nothing else I can do about that. And so...such is life.

I just feel so bad about the inner turmoil and absolute torture that both us are feeling right now. It is so unsettling to not know what you want...to like two people at the same time for completely different reasons...to trick yourself that what you feel is right is actually wrong...to not love yourself...to feel sad and guilty...to be utterly and seriously confused. I just feel foolish for loving someone that is so unsure if they love me. It seems that the life I lead is foolish now too. I cannot be someone I'm not. I can't pretend I like things that I don't. I happen to like who I am, and I would hope that people like me because of who I am, not the other eccentric and seemingly weird things that are apparently attractive. I am smart, pretty, fun, I am good at my job, I have goals, dreams and interests, I know what I like and what I want...I happen to think I am an awesome girl. All of this on top of the fact that i treated our relationship with respect and love, going out of my way to make that love and respect known. I know that the daily grind of life can be draining and mundane, but part of being in the relationship is to be fulfilled by the satisfaction that comes from the fact that your partner completes your life. I know that I am not interested in any relationship right now, but I do want to get back to knowing the old partner that I fell in love with, the guy who is just himself, hanging out. I know the reality is that he could pick the other girl, not being able to shake the feeling that they are friends and he is vulnerable and she was there to step into that vulnerability. This is my reality. And so...such is life.