m u i r f i e l d

arnold's is now a chicken place.

presents!

annual brunch.

1 1 5 .

spawn of satan and dad.

The Rock, The Family and Lo

After a record long time of 10.5 hours in the car, I finally made it to good ole Rockville Centre, affectionately known to it's young adult residents as The Rock. There was so much traffic on the Belt Parkway yesterday that I was stuck in a place about 15 minutes from my house for an hour and a half. I stared at the Welcome to Brooklyn sign that reads "How Sweet It Is!" for a half hour. Most people never notice that sign, but it's hilarious. Most people don't notice the sign on the Belt leaving Brooklyn that says, (and I'm serious) "Leaving Brooklyn: Fuhgeddaboudit." Google Image search them.

Anyway, my mom was of course waiting at the door for me (well, really she was waiting for Riley), and then gave me a hug for about 20 minutes. She has attachment issues and a severe case of empty nest syndrome. Mostly I just hung out because I didn't feel to well and thought about how much I loathe the inhabitants of The Rock, excluding my few good friends. I've posted a picture of my parents at their wedding because my dad just scanned it in, and I love my dad's pants. Go Mark! Woot! To my delight, my dad was being his hilarious overly-cynical self when I arrived, making for some great eye-rolling.



I can't wait to go see Lo today! I was supposed to go last night, but since I was feeling shitty and I was cranky, I postponed my visit to BK. Anyway I can't wait to see her and her new apartment! I have been missing her so much lately and I feel like we never get a chance to really talk because we are so busy, and I am irresponsible about calling her back.



Today I got a bagel with Beef and we wrapped some presents. I'm just hanging out until Lauren is done at work, and Beef ditched me to go buy a present for her boyfriend. He doesn't do anything but play video games and lacrosse, gamble in AC, and be a genius without trying...so he's impossible to shop for. I felt like posting this picture of her I also just found on the home computer. She was so cute. Now she's the devil...go figure!

Amygdala Seesaw

here's something interesting i've been thinking about...the idea of trusting no one. weird right? i have come to realize that even when people say they trust something, they don't. of course, i have made the foolish mistake of trusting people when i shouldn't have, but who hasn't? however, the mere fact that i have to state, "but who hasn't" means that there are loads of people who cannot be trusted, who can never trust anyone themselves and who have been trusted and then fucked it up.

now, dear reader, why should we trust anyone? i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and cynical and unhealthy - but there is some merit to truly believing, "every (wo)man for (her)himself." with the season of love and giving around us, i have tried to to embrace those important to me, but have constantly been second guessing myself with thoughts like "do they think of me in that way?" sometimes, the answer is, no. no they do not. they care more about another friend and less about you, they'd fight for another friend, but not for you. interesting isn't it?

i know i have some great friends, but i also know that i have some friends that are full of shit. they pretend to support me because they know that's the "right" thing to do, but when it comes down to it, i'm probably not at the top of their list.

it makes me wonder, who's list am i, in fact, at the top of? that may sound insecure, and it's not meant to, i do realize that i have some great people in my life...but s e r i o u s l y ...

Multifaceted and Fascinating

the answer to everything is the serenity prayer. this is always true. always.

the holidays have started to add the yearly anxiety that i both anticipate and dread. sigh. i have postponed going home to shorten my stay with my family. talk of non-wedding plans will be neither fun nor jovial.

ryan told me a great story tonight. the woman that cleans her classroom and doesn't speak english left her a christmas present. ryan always leaves her left-over food and gives a friendly hello, and i guess this unspoken bond between them has been solidified with the simple gesture that this fascinating woman has performed. actual holiday spirit is around. thank goodness.

i have written off everything else that's confusing as bullshit. whew. glad that's out of the way.

Sting Eyes

Look up toxic shame.

Interesting right?

i am human. i am proud of that.

ruiner.

jap

that's so long island of you.





go fuck yourself beaked animal.

Dance With Me

My kids are out of control. The excitement of Christmas has taken over FPG Preschool. They were just yelling and screaming at each other, hitting, breaking down crying...and so on. It was a tough day. Meredith's boyfriend told her she was "not in shape" this weekend, so she was in a bad mood. And Laura lost patience about 2 weeks ago. So now, Miss Kate is the nice teacher, which means the children run up to me to ask me if they are allowed to do certain things they know they aren't supposed to be doing. Those little fuckers know how to place a burden.

I went to Harris Teeter today, and I made eye contact with this girl who was passing by me, and she turned right into my face and started singing the lyrics, "Dance with me." It was awesome.

I am getting more excited for my birthday, as I have assigned all of the characters for the murder mystery. Woot! It's going to be exciting! Lots of food and alcohol plus a murder...what could be better?

In addition, Winne Cooper has made an exercise DVD.

reality?

anxious.

nervous.

cautious.

infinitely excited.

can there be a good heavy?

be cool, man.

so it's about 4:30 and i can't fall asleep. i had a great time out with friends tonight, which is positive, but i fucked up with ccpbt because i didn't call when i should have. i guess that's kind of silly. i have to remember i'm only human and i make mistakes.

in that realm, that's something i have been meaning to blog about. i talk a lot to patricia about how hard i am on myself. basically, i don't treat myself as a human, i expect more from myself than i do from other people, and i am infinitely unforgiving to myself when i make mistakes. but the truth is that i make mistakes, and i am only human. like i tell my kids, everyone has accidents, everyone makes mistakes, be cool man. sometimes when we are in situations where there is a lot of tension or stress, we are more inclined to get angry about the little things. however, in the long run, those little things don't matter at all.

so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to learn to forgive myself. when i do something dumb, i should just brush it off, i shouldn't feel like i need to slam my fingers in a drawer...know what i mean?

in other news, i love hanging with jack. it's a nice break from my current life and it instantly brings me back to fun times that took place aboiut 5 years ago, it's fantastic. it reminds me of this because it's part of my present and my past:

How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life

deep breaths and butterflies

today was rough. the kids were out of control. meredith and i think that they may not calm down until after christmas. everyday they are so excited about the fact that we are doing holiday activities. we actually had a kid pee on the floor. he was wearing jeans and sneakers and he peed on the fucking floor. there was a pool of piss on the floor. a pool. the titanic could've sunk in this oceanic sea of urea. he walked away from it, didn't tell anyone, and acted like he knew nothing about it when we caught him hiding with his pants soaked like a kitchen sponge. seriously, that's not normal. this pee was in the middle of the floor. the physics of it are mind-boggling. he was wearing pants, shoes, layers, for christ's sake. how did he have enough pee in him to form a puddle on the floor, when some had already absorbed into his pants and welled up in his shoes? how exactly? meredith and me now call him pee-pee pants...of course not to his face. instead of telling the kids to get their coats today after clean-up, mereidth said, "if you are a butterfly and you are ready to go outside...you have made mistake." it was hilarious.

in other news, i wish i was a mind reader. and i also wish beaked animals would hibernate. forever.

"Screw Christmas? Not on my watch."

"It's a Christmas Tree."
"Who are you, Linus?"
"Yes, yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas."
(Studio 60) God bless you, Matthew Perry.

Here's the thing: I'm sad. That's the long and short of it.

It's almost my birthday. I've started to get sad about it instead of excited. Boo.

I keep passing parking lots full of "Christmas Trees for Sale" signs. Boo to that too. I was really fucking excited about having a Christmas tree with Zach. Our first little Christmas together that we'd spend alone with our dog, no family bullshit. I mean, we'd visit our families soon after Christmas or maybe a little before, but on Christmas day we'd sleep in and exchange gifts with each other and cuddle and watch Christmas movies and make brunch. I had a whole vision of us decorating our tiny house with cute decorations and perfect ornaments for our tiny tree; in my dreams, it's awesome. I felt bad telling Zach because he never could make plans ahead of time because of work. Now I feel worse because it's actually not happening. Maybe that's a fantasy, but adorable couples do actually do those kinds of things. Man, this sucks. I suppose I could get my own little Christmas tree, which I might do, but still, that's not the point.

Ok, Ok...A lot of fantastic things have happened too. I made great personal choices, which is great. I stood up for what I want and I've stuck to that. I finished packaging all of my manuscripts, signed and sealed. Delivered tomorrow, I have to take them to the post-office. The stack of manila packaging is quite daunting. It was weird, I couldn't stop proofing my story, I read it a thousand times. I read my cover letters a thousand times. I checked the inside of the envelopes a thousand times. I shouldn't be nervous, I realize my chances of being published are slim to none, I guess it's kind of cool, I'm actually sending my shit to publishers! Woot! I'm also almost done Christmas shopping, awesome. I had a TON of presents to buy this year. My friends have been really special in the past few months with my situation and so I went out of my way to make sure I got everyone special gifts. Special gifts for special people. I think it's a little silly, buying presents to show I care, but I really wanted to celebrate my friends. I tink I dun goooood...so I'm happy, I hope everyone else will be! Plus I think I have some fun plans with Ryan and Nanette this weekend, hopefully that will work out, because I'm pretty excited to see Nanette's puppy :)

So I guess it's not all bad. Just different. I'm still sad, but I suppose I can be fine with different.

"I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. No woman's dream for a father. But I think I'm falling in love with you. So if you want to get a head start, you better start running now. I'm coming for you, Jordan."
Studio 60 was awesome tonight.


Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be

Remember taste?

I miss you roti.

I didn't go to work again today, I suck.

I still feel like shit. And I am completely bored. Also, I haven't been able to taste anything all week. This is really scary, thinking about never being able to taste ever again. This is the longest that I have ever not been able to taste. It's freaking me out.

I spent most of today angrily journaling. I don't know what sparked the sudden anger, I'm pretty comfortable with my current situation. I have finally come to terms with the fact that everything is out of my hands. And really there should be no decisions to make, as I have laid out what I need, and it's all fair to me. So what will be will be. If it turns out not to be what I want then it's not what I wanted anyway, right? Everyone wants to be wanted.

I also realized that I've matured so much through the past couple months that I now have balls. The balls to say how I feel, the balls to do my own thing, the balls to actually feel anger. it's cool. balls are cool.

plus, i think i'm worth the diamonds.

[dances away in sexy red dress to some sean paul...]