Amygdala Seesaw

here's something interesting i've been thinking about...the idea of trusting no one. weird right? i have come to realize that even when people say they trust something, they don't. of course, i have made the foolish mistake of trusting people when i shouldn't have, but who hasn't? however, the mere fact that i have to state, "but who hasn't" means that there are loads of people who cannot be trusted, who can never trust anyone themselves and who have been trusted and then fucked it up.

now, dear reader, why should we trust anyone? i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and cynical and unhealthy - but there is some merit to truly believing, "every (wo)man for (her)himself." with the season of love and giving around us, i have tried to to embrace those important to me, but have constantly been second guessing myself with thoughts like "do they think of me in that way?" sometimes, the answer is, no. no they do not. they care more about another friend and less about you, they'd fight for another friend, but not for you. interesting isn't it?

i know i have some great friends, but i also know that i have some friends that are full of shit. they pretend to support me because they know that's the "right" thing to do, but when it comes down to it, i'm probably not at the top of their list.

it makes me wonder, who's list am i, in fact, at the top of? that may sound insecure, and it's not meant to, i do realize that i have some great people in my life...but s e r i o u s l y ...