trip to ewwwwwwww-town

i have a really vivid imagination. it's not a positive thing.

i often envision images that i DO NOT want to see. ewwwwwwww. ewwwwwwwwww. ewwwwwwwwwwww. [throws up a little]

it's frustrating me.

in other news, l-train is coming next week...woot!

my iO class is fucking awesome and i think we are going to enter cagematch in late february.

i hope it snows tomorrow.

i miss you, favorite.

i miss you, still life of three puppies print. you were lost in the move from chicago and now i have no idea where you are. why did your frame have to crack?

i miss you MoMA and Guggenheim. i will conquer your new/old location and spiral ramp again soon.

i miss you fast-paced, well-rounded, artsy, NY life.

i was thinking about my mom. when she came down here this past fall she bought me a gift she thought i would like. and i do. my mom is good at buying me gifts based on what she observes that i like, without me having to tell her exactly what to buy. i'm glad to have a relationship like that with her, that she knows me well enough to do things like that. she's crazy, too. but at least i think i turned out to be a good person.

i have recently been pondering the statement, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." i have been thinking about people i know that are not very nice, do not make good decisions or are just plain stupid. teaching preschool has opened up my eyes to the fact that parents carry much more weight in shaping their child's life than they think they do. when i am affected by a person negatively, i tend to think, "wow, your parents are definitely not proud of you right now. you definitely disappoint them." repeating that back to myself, i am struck by how harsh it is. but the only thing i can think is...it's true.

at 23, i believe i, now more than ever, appreciate my parents and what they have done for me. and though i live my own life, far away from them, i still base a lot of my morals and decisions around what i have been taught, where i came from. i feel like my parents have worked very hard to give me great opportunities, and i would never want to disrespect them by disrespecting myself by making poor personal decisions.

everybody fucks up...but not everyone knows the extent of it.

Art

I wish for a lot of things. Recently, however, I have been wanting a bigger apartment only for more wall space. I also wish that I had more art to put on this wall space. And this also means I wish for more money to buy this apartment and this art.

I have some art that I really love, and I have some shitty prints that I could stand to live without. Regardless, I love THIS and THIS. And lots of other things. I also wish that I could find my dad's other black and white photos so that I can rescue them from their current situation in my attic and actually frame them.

I have always loved decorating, and I cannot wait to have a large house to decorate. I said large. Hmmmm, seems unlikely right now. But I can dream. I really believe that your home should be your sanctuary, your place to relax, to enjoy what's around you, and the people or animals with whom you cohabit. It should smell, feel and look like you. I feel like currently, my condo does all of these things...but I just wish I could spend more time at home. Right now my house fits me, but I have been too busy to fit it.

On that thought, I have also been exceptionally tired lately. I am always tired, but lately I just feel beat. Driving to Raleigh three times a week is definitely worth it, especially if The Breakroom continues to do shows like we did last night...but it has worn me thin. When I'm not in Raleigh, I am at my dojo, when I'm not there I rehearse at DSI, and in my "spare" time I have been working non-stop on accredidation bullshit for work. Maybe it's too much? Eh?

Confessions

Layla was caught using the art center scissors to cut her hair. There were blond curls all over the classroom floor. Meredith told her that because of what she did, the scissors would be put away for a week. She said, "Ok" and skipped away. No remorse. So then Meredith made everyone sit down and have a meeting. She told the children that one of their friends used the scissors to cut their hair. They all wanted to know who did it, of course. We didn't tell them. Meredith said that the scissors would be taken away. They were all a little upset. Sarah stands up, head down to the floor. She said, "Miss Meredith, I have an announcement." Meredith said ok sarah, go ahead. Sarah says, "One time, I cut my hair at school...a long, long time ago." Meredith was trying to hold back her laughter and reassured Sarah that it was o.k., she was not guilty this time, and everyone makes mistakes. I, however, had to walk out of the classroom so that I could laugh my ass off in the hallway. Oh, children.

busy beaver

yikes! i have been so busy lately, i have had zero time really to relax, nevermind blog. soon i will write a very intriguing entry about a hair-cutting incident in my classroom that was followed with a very sincere and serious confession.

Quick note

I'm on break and I wanted to make a reminder to myself that people are crazy. I'm crazy too...but people who just don't get it are crazier.

Is crazier a word? It looks weird.

Something's under my skin...

and I have a lot to write about, but I better roll it around a bit more and actually formulate what I'm thinking.

Akeelah

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" - Marianne Williamson

I made a friend.

When I first moved to North Carolina, I was appalled at how Southerners view the world, "The North", and pretty much everything else. I was constantly ridiculed for my accent and thought of as rude because when I spoke my tone sounded rather brash. I got over it. But recently, I was getting a massage, and the messuese asked me half-way where I was from...I told her Rockville Centre, NY, and turned out, she was from Port Washington, a mere 20 minutes from my house. All of a sudden we were best friends, ranting about the frustrations of having heavy accents and being from "The North" in general. I have realized recently that I am no longer frustrated with myself fitting in here in NC, but rather, people here having a broader view of the world as a whole.

I have traveled a good deal, and feel like I am well rounded in terms of my tastes in food, fashion and la mode in general. But more importantly, I feel emotionally more mature having met, worked with and studied with people of such varying cultures. I know more about myself because of my interactions and experiences that took place in cities in the US and abroad. I know who I am and what I want out of life because I have seen such varied life-styles. Now, I don't understand myself solely because I have traveled and had a very well-rounded upbringing of course, but it's definitely helped.

When I started thinking about my transition to NC, I pondered about some of the places I want to visit or live. I have lived in New York, Chicago, Chapel Hill/Carrboro and Rome. I have visited Florence, Naples, Capri, Pompeii, Cinqueterra, and Venice. I have played soccer and toured Wales and London, and various places in Denmark and Holland. I have been to many other various U.S. cities and Canada but here are some other adventures I would like to embark on in no particular order...

U.S.
San Diego, CA (...again)
Palo Alto, CA
San Francisco, CA
Portland, OR
Jackson Hole, WY
Salt Lake City, UT
Seattle, WA
Las Vegas, NV

Abroad
Greece (Athens, Mykonos, Chios)
Egypt (Cairo. Luxor, Sinai)
Israel (Jerusalem)
Czech Republic (Prague)
South Africa (cultural tour of cities and AIDS orphanages)
Argentina (Buenos Aires, Mar del Plata)
Belize (Turneffe Atoll)
Australia (Sydney, Tasmania, Victoria)
Japan (Tokyo, Kyoto, Mt. Fuji)
Germany (Hamburg, Cologne)
Switzerland

Ok...maybe someday...

What's Up Dad!

I was eating a grilled chicken wrap for lunch today at Chick-Fil-A. U-Mall is always relatively empty during that time, but for some reason, there were more people than usual in Chick-Fil-A. I sat facing the counter this time instead of facing the mall, so I couldn't see who was coming in behind me. A heavier hispanic woman came in and was holding the women's bathroom door open looking towards the entrance for a good five minutes. I didn't bother to turn around and see what she was looking at, and I'm glad I didn't because it would have taken the delight out of my reaction when I saw...the tubby five-year-old hispanic boy wearing a tank-top and shorts sort of waddlely-run in to the open bathroom door.

They were in the bathroom together for like ten minutes and I had totally forgotten that they were in there until...the tubby ball of amusement flung open the bathroom door and looked utterly confused. He started yelling out as loud as he could "Papi!? PAPI!?" He was looking around for his dad with that look of instant fear that kids get when they are lost or can't find their parents [read: abandonment"]. Then he looked out into the mall and saw his dad sitting at a table in the mall. His facial expression changed, he lit up, took in a breath so that his rotund little tummy filled and he yelled, "Que tal Papi! QUE TAL!!" He went full speed ahead through the restaurant right into his dad's arms.

Sure, it was close to child abuse that he was so severely under-dressed for the suddenly cold weather. But still hilarious and utterly priceless.

Let me tell you a secret...

improv is so fucking easy when you aren't thinking about how hard it is.

She's walking with her mind...

it's all about context

you know how when you become friends with someone, you don't actually have a clue who they are? the only context you know them in is where you meet them, then the idea is to get to know more about them. find out who they really are. but initially you are going off of the idea that your gut feeling is accurately telling you that this is someone you want to hang out with.

what's weird is that you could be getting yourself into something huge. i mean, this person could be an obsessive, weird, neurotic psychopath but you would have no idea...you would only know who they are right then and there, in the context of your relationship. you may know them from a class, or work or the gym. but previous to you knowing them, they could have been a horrible person. they could be a killer. they could be a stalker.

i am a complete believer in the fact that people can change. however, i am a bigger believer in honesty. would you want to be friends with someone who has done something horribe that you didn't know about? that depends - have they changed? have they openly admitted what they did? are they aware of the fact that it was horrible? who knows, right? that's why context is so scary, it's tricky. it let's people pretend to be someone they're not, and hide their true-selves behind some persona, whether it be fake gym-jock or introverted workaholic. whatever it is, it is pretty scary to think about skeletons in the closet.

personally, i know i judge people. everyone does. i admit that i do. and if you tell me something horrible or secretive that you are hiding, i will not be able to accept that you have changed until you prove that you are not the same person who committed said horrible act. maybe that's harsh. but i have realized that i cannot be as open to letting people into my world anymore. relationships and friendships do not mean what they used to mean...and that's just the truth.

rooted

i think about patterns a lot. ups and downs. rollercoasters and sailboats. my parents are great people. they rock and they will do anything to support me. i often feel guilty that i'm crazy about certain things because they have embedded particular patterns into my head. i hate that i feel like it's their fault. however, something i've learned teaching preschool is that children are just children. they are completely dependent on their parents to teach them, to guide them. when parents don't do these things, or do them very poorly, it's downright sad.

point is, everyone has their issues. most people's are normal, run of the mill anxieties that stem from the way their parents raised them or failed to raise them. i realize that i am no exception. my scars are deep. boo-hoo right?

eh, mildy wrong. even the smallest issues can mess up your interactions with people, relationships, friendships.

fixing these problems is hard work, and it is absolutely exhausting.

feeling like you are becoming your own whole, confident, independent person is awesome.

d e c e m b e r

I want this.

I know, I'm bad.

It's stupid and materialistic.

Who cares.




Blue Topaz is my birthstone.

Say Goodnight George...

"I had nightmares...but you know, good ones..."

"Oh, yea?"

"Yea, I was thinkin, playin it out in my head...you would make a good George Burns [points at Zach] and you would make a good Gracy Allen [points at Me]."

[Laughter ensues]

"No, I'm serious."

- George Bernard Cunningham

Why is he so fantastic?

s e r i o u s l y

t i m e s t a n d s s t i l l

i have been so wrapped up in being sick lately that my life has spun a bit out of control. i finally bought a calendar and i filled in everything i know i have planned from now through march. yikes! my life was on hold for so long because of my pneumonia that i cannot remember what my schedule was like before...just thinking about it makes me exhausted.

i just got back from taking riley on a long walk/run. i am training her to walk better on a leash, normally she just runs around like a maniac, and i'm o.k. with it. but since she has not grown out of jumping up on people and biting them, it was time for a new regime. she doesn't love it because she chokes herself, but oh well. she's still learning to run on the leash...but hopefully she'll get that soon. also i can't move my body because i just did a pilates workout that kicked my ass - but that feels good. i will also say that my new iPod has changed my life. my mini was such a piece of shit. BUT newer versions of iTunes and the fact that i know how to use it and my red iPod are ALL super. anyway, it's made me so much more motivated to walk riley longer and run longer.

i am going to attempt the morning yoga class at my dojo this week, as well. we'll see what happens with getting up earlier than 7am on a workday...it might be short-lived. sigh...affordable yoga that is not at the Y - where are you? i'm also thinking about buying a sword - errrrr - maybe.

i posted earlier that i don't have any real resolutions...but i realize that i actually have many things i want to accomplish by the end of 2007. i've posted them on the sidebar in hopes to remind myself and motivate myself.

goooooooooooooo kate!

Bakery

This will be an adventure. Chapel Hill needs a good bakery. I happen to know how to run a small food business. We'll see where it takes me.

Flashlight Dance Party

Besides the food poisoning and how overwhelmingly tired I am, I feel good. It's weird, whenever I make a great personal breakthrough, I immediately feel tired, but then awesome.

Since it was rainy all day and my kids couldn't play on the playground, we stayed inside. This was a fantastic decision because it led to a Butterfly preschoolers flashlight dance party. No overheads, just flashlights and Proud Mary (the kids favorite song, seriously), which they calling, "Rollin."

I also wanted to record this interchange:
4 year old Sarah and I are doing a Solar System puzzle

Me: Here Sarah, I think this piece fits over there.
Sarah: Thanks Miss Kate. [Puts it in] Yes! It fits!
Me: Look, I think it's the space station.
Sarah: Ummmm, Miss Kate...that's a satellite, it orbits the earth.
Me: Oh.



"and i never lost one minute of sleep, worrying bout the things that might have been..."

from real life?

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' up Tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start

- coldplay

Chinese Food No More

for the first time in my life, i have food poisoning. it is an awful experience. i don't just have an upset stomach, i have every freakin symptom. nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, chills, sweats, fever, headache, dehydration...the works. i went to work yesterday thinking that my stomach was tied in knots because it was the first day back to work, that was nullified when i broke out into a sweat and had to sprint to the bathroom. grooooooosssssssssssssss.

goodbye holiday weight. i know, i know...my weight loss methods are completely uncanny.

get out your calendar

thank god 2006 is over. unvalidated. unappreciated. still awesome.

ok that said, i need a new calendar. i realize that i have loaded stuff pretty heavily on myself, and i may not be able to do it all. but i guess it's good that i'm so busy...woot!

no resolutions. i feel like i have so much going on that it is silly to try and resolve myself to do or not do something this year...maybe just keeping my shit together is enough, huh? i need to save more money this year for: trips, birthday gifts and laughter yoga teacher training.

i would like to take riley for longer walks, but that's not really a resolution, more of just a comment.