If you were worried...

there's no need to be anymore.

I found my passport. HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA. It was in a folder that I ingeniously labeled "Travel Documents."

go figure.


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ALSO:

BEAT BRAZIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! let's go Scurry, make it happen girl!

Lilly, keep it together.
Womback, you are a beast, use this.

The Max

Ok, one of the great things about going home is getting to go through all my stuff. when i essentially moved into my own permanent place in nc, my parents made my room a guest room. so they put all my shit away in drawers and closets. and when i go home, i pull it all out and go through it. so i brought my high school yearbook back home to nc with me. it is amazing for all of the awesome quotes that people made. my favorite part is the "Favorites of the Class of '02." Favorite Hangout: The Max. HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! i forgot that was in there. i mean, my graduating class loved saved by the bell. i do have a ton in common with jessie spano, except she is wayyyy taller. but seriously, i was so jessie spano when she took caffeine pills in high school, i freaked out about academics all the time...HAHA. i miss The Max (aka Gino's), which is where we hung out for lunch and late nite. ive been so nostalgic about ny lately, and i blame this on facebook. now that i can see all my friends' every move, all i want to do is go hang out with them. guhhhh. i would like to note: i do love carrboro, haha. carrboro, it's not personal.


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here's the thing, the first 18 years of my life, i never had to feel restless, because i always had a huge city to run to when i was feeling bored or unstimulated. as soon as i got to college, i could never get settled. i picked northwestern for academic reasons, not because i liked it the best. i made great friends there, i loved chicago, but i had to get out of there. then i wound up at home, but i had to get out of there. then i ended up coming to nc, after transferring to another local college. i love nc, but now i feel like i need to get out here! what the hell is wrong with me!? i have an awesome life here. i own a house, i have great friends, i have a wonderful (though sorta thankless) job which i love, i have hobbies like improv and ninjutsu that i can really excel at in this area, and here i am wanting to say peace out. i have no reason to leave here. at all. but then i have this erratic behavior and drive to ny for the weekend just to get away. wtf. i have been writing a lot about moving to rome, because really, i feel like i have no reason to stay in nc --- but thats bs - i have plenty of reasons! maybe the answer is that i start making lots of money so that i can travel whenever i feel like it and take long vacations and see places and meet new people and never feel like i am grounded when actually i really am. ok? make it happen.

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Exciting news! i am stoked about a new improv team i will be on! it is so awesome, a bunch of people i really enjoy improvising with are on the team. in fact, these are people who i have had the most fun with in the entire time i've been improvising. it is so wonderful and i am really thankful that i have made such awesome friends who will now be on my team :) i have worked extremely hard in the past couple years to find a good niche with good people, and now i feel like i have finally found it!

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also, i know i should buy healthy cereal. but c'mon!!!! i loooove cinnamon toast crunch, corn pops, cocoa puffs, fruit loops, and oh's. i love them too much, ok? i won't give them up for some dumb Smart Start or Kashi. just like i won't give up my chipotle addiction. (i will note though that i have cut back on my chipotle intake due to a change in my eating times). jerri noticed today that i lost weight and phylinda told me im pretty, so i feel validated enough to continue to ingest nutritionally shitty cereal. screw you, kashi!

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Notes:
1. I am STOKED for sunset grill with my mom and dad (aka lyndsi and wesley) and then Grey's on Thursday!
2. I am STOKED for Lori Jo and Nathan's wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so HARD to believe that the wedding is actually this saturday. I feel like we have been talking about it forever and now it's a reality!
3. I love my kiddos more and more everyday. and i am STOKED about that.

an adventure

NY. we were a little crazy. it's true. but it was soooooooooo fun!




we left after work and drove straight up to my house. the drive was not so bad on the way up. OBVIOUSLY we got taco bell. it was great, because taco bell is fantastic for any occassion. anne drove first, then ry, then i scared them with my crazy new york driving skills through new jersey, brooklyn and queens. it was pretty fun bc ryan and anne kept asking me "what's that? where are we?" haha. i also enjoyed the tutorial i gave...pay attention here...apparently southerners don't know anything about NY geography. Manhattan is an island. when people talk about NYC, they are usually talking about the things that reside on the island of manhattan. NYC is actually made up of five boroughs, two of which are on the island of Long Island. the boroughs are Manhattan, Staten Island, the Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens. long island has two additional counties, nassau and suffolk. this had to be explained over and over and over and over...but i think the message eventually got through. i felt like i did my part to educate anne and ry.

anyway back to the story. i had a plan to take them to central park to walk around a bit. then to go to w. broadway in soho and shop. then to the san gennaro feast, dinner at la mela, broadway show. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

so we took the train into the city early sat morning, it was beautiful, we get to columbus circle = pouring down rain. ryan bent over to fix her jeans...this women with a cart skoots by her and says "i can see your underwear." HAHAHAHA. Ryan says, "Thanks!" like as politely as she can. people in ny dont do polite...so the woman did not turn around and say "youre welcome." haha, it provided great entertainment for us though.

we walked around, showed them the carousel, the pond, playground, baseball field. we took a carriage ride which i had never done before and went on a quick tour. we didnt get to go to the zoo, the theater or tavern on the green -but thats ok. then we went way downtown shopping. obviously i spent forever in anthropologie. i bought a hand-knit hoodie and a pair of black pants. ry bought like 3 pairs of jeans. then we went to canal st. and ry and anne were scared. haha. but good news -- i got a new manhattan portage bag! and some earrings.

then we went to little italy and ate zeppoles and it was great. i talked about eating them all day, and told anne and ryan that theyre the best food ever. they said i was right. whew, thank goodness they validated that, huh? haha. then we had an awesome dinner at la mela. i love eating there, even if it can be touristy. i also love a great restaurant in times square on 8th called John's pizza thats a little touristy, it used to be a church...anyway that's neither here nor there. la mela was great, as always. i loooooooooove their rigatoni. most people adore the gnocci there, but it's far too heavy. i always eat like 8 helpings of rigatoni and then like 3 tartufos. anyway, i think anne and ry liked it alot, so i was very excited about that.

then we saw The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee on broadway. HILARIOUS. funniest production ive seen in a while, definitely funniest one ive seen on broadway. ry and anne loved it, so phew! i felt the pressure taking them around showing them stuff, and i was hoping i didnt pick a shitty play...but good thing, it was awesome! the characters and the actors were great and the theater was small and we had awesome seats.

we walked through times square and ryan was freaking out, telling me i need to tell her where every single thing is - though in times square, what you see is what you get. so i tried to point everything out but i think she may have thought i wasnt telling her everything. it was good to walk through at night, bc everything was lit up, it looked beautiful.

sunday we got up early and went to the empire state building. in the 20 years i lived in NY full time, i had never been up there. sad right? but i pointed out everything fantastic to ry and anne, including my house. you can't really see it but you can see the general direction.

we also realized we ate a ton of awesome food this weekend. including: the awesomeness of Taco Bell, Ny bagels n cream cheese, ny pizza, zeppole, ny italian at la mela, ny deli bacon egg n cheeses, ny deli turkey sandwiches, and some smoothies. geez! we were only there for like 40 hours haha! anne and ry would eat something and be like "this is sooo good!" i agreed.

so lauren met us for all of these festivities. and let's just talk about her for a second. i love her. i miss her so much. it fucking suckkkkkssssssss. she always tries to convice me to move back to NY and i tell her to come back here. i feel like my life here is incomplete without her. guhhh, sigh. come back best friend :(

there's lots more to write, but im too tired right now. more to come..........

Yesssss

Just a quick update, since you are dying to know

Good Things:
...the DMB concert was pretty good. They played a bunnnchhhhh of stuff from Under the Table and Dreaming, which was pretty sweet and pretty nostalgic. I am in love with Boyd Tinsley's biceps. Thank you, Boyd, for wearing a Carolina blue beater to play this show. Really, I could've gone completely by myself because I get so wrapped up in the music that I am completely oblivious to everything else going on around me. I mean, I did, of course, become best friends with the girl standing next to me, haha. Her name was Erin. We talked mostly about the concert and she talked a lot about her boyfriend. Then she told me I was pretty and asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. And then I cried a little inside.
...we are going to NY tomorrow. It's going to be great because I will get to show two NY virgins the great city of Manhattan. Hopefully the leaves have turned at least a little bit. They have here already, so I assume NY will look beautiful. We are going to see Spelling Bee, which I'm pretty psyched about because it's supposed to be hilarious...and I could use a little hilarious. I also plan to take Ry and Anne shopping...prolly a little Soho and Canal st. That will be an experience. Then dinner in Little Italy, and some feast of San Gennaro...so I can eat some fried dough. I am thrilled to get out of here this weekend. I just need this trip before my heart explodes.
...i already did all my homework for next week.
...i lost weight.
...i bought new jeans.
...my belt graduation is in two weeks!!!! Hopefully my friends will come see me be an ultimate fighting champion and fight some black belts (since that's what you do at a belt graduation). I feel bad asking people to come, but I want someone to take pictures of it! I also want them to see the dojo so they will get hooked on how awesome it is to be a ninja and they will join too :) Really I just want someone to ground fight with that is not afraid of hurting me or me hurting them...is that so wrong?

Not So Good Things:
...remember how my mind and my heart got so fucked up from my last relationship? yea. that's hard.
...the internet is public. so if you are posting things on it, other people can see it. some girls try to be sneaky assuming others are stupid, some girls are just dumb, others are just mean. any way, it's not nice. occassionally I write about others, but mostly to complain, never to be rude.
...i'm sad because I miss cory.
...my toe really hurts still from when I messed it up at taijustu. It's the most ridiculous yet debilitating injury in the world.
...door to door, almost to the minute, it will take us 9 hours to get to NY...haha that's a long time...what am I thinking taking a weekend trip? HAHA!

Ninja Parties

My main motivation in attending this ninja party was to get to know people outside of the context of the dojo. I mean, I see these people several times a week, but I never really get to know them know them, because we have like a random couple minutes to talk before or after class and then people peace out. Let me start out by saying: Mission Accomplished.

So Bryan picked me up in his ridiculous car (which by the way, is amazingly fun to ride around in), and we went on an adventure to find Harris Lake. We had fantastic conversation about studying to be ninjas and he revealed his ultimate secret of his full-back ninja tatoo, pretty amazing. We found this park, which was awesome!!! It was also like 75 degrees out today and absolutely perfect. I'd never been to that park and I think I like it better than Jordan Lake. I plan to walk/hike there a bunch this fall after today's discovery.

Anyway, I learned sooooooo much gossip. I couldn't handle it...I can't handle it! Haha. It's so funny to just learn about people's real lives that happen outside of the dojo. I got to see what people's families looked like, how people really treat their significant others, what their kids look like, who's dating who secretly but not so secretly. It was fantastic and fascinating.

The majority of the day, however, was Mike making fun of me and my pathetic little life. He was having a field day (all in good fun I should add) with my failed engagement and the lack of recent guy activity in my life, my unfinished ridiculous kitchen project, my slow belt promotion, and my failed attempts to make significant relationships (haha, which is a joke because of our ninja code of mindful action). It was great fun for everyone...haha. I'm glad I could be a source of amusement. But seriously, I enjoyed myself very much.

Then I went on a walk with Ry and her mom. And they both gave me some very insightful advice about all of the issues in my life. I had just been talking about George, and then patty called me and left me a voicemail saying that she wanted me to know George loved me. And then I cried. Anyway, Ry's mom is very emotionally connected, which I love, because I don't think many people in my life are. She was very wise and it was nice to hear her advice.

Also, I still have no one to go to give my extra concert ticket to for Tues. Great, that sucks. I literally have no one left to ask! It's cool, I will be happy to chill with katy and christopher. Anyway, I'm STOKED cause I look forward to this every year, and now it's finally here!

We might go see a Broadway show next weekend on our spontaneous road trip to NY. I want to see Mary Poppins, cause I've never seen it. Though I could see Ave Q again, and I could DEFINITELY see Phantom or Les Mis like a billion more times each. Plus the San Gennaro feast is going on nowwwwww!!!! I may need to make an appearance, haha. Really I just need to get some zeppoli...southern people don't even know what that is....which is why I need to get the hell out of here before my head explodes....just for a little. I have seen so many facebook pics of my friends all back living in NY...and it makes me want my old life back. To just say fuck what I have here and what I've worked hard for here. I don't really mean that, I just miss them. I miss house parties, backyard decks, cute dresses, the shocker pose, Gino's and bracketed, seeded, meticulously calculated Beirut tournaments :(

On Trying Hard to Get Drunk...

*** for some reason my computer is not letting this post right-side up, so you'll just have to turn your head

The party was a complete success. Lori Jo had no idea the extent of who we invited and everything we had done. She was so sweet about it too, she kept repeating, "You guyssss! You have no idea what this means to me!" I was really excited about that only because I don't think that anybody else in her wedding party except Lyndsi organized anything for her. Lori Jo is one of those amazing people that you just love to be around and I am extremely blessed to be friends with her. I think she really liked the lingerie I got her too, because it's "our" color. Whenever one of us wheres this bold blue/blue-greenish teal color, the other always points it out. When I first told her it looked good on her, she went home and shopped online for it, she's hilarious.

Anyway, the party was awesome. Dinner at the Brewery was fun...my boss is AWESOME! Her husband is the brewmaster there, so he was downstairs while our party was going on. When LJ was opening all of her gifts of ridiculous slips and panties, my boss would hang them over the balcony and yell, "John, CHECK THESE OUT...WHOOOOOOOO!!!" Then when she was done, she turns back at us and says (NO JOKE), "I think all of those men down there are getting hard-ons!" OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! That was one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. I love my job.

Then we went to East End for the majority of the night, so as to maximize the drinking/dancing possibilities. LJ did her list of stuff, though no guy would give her his boxers. She did get the $10 from a guy that I made her get...even though she felt extremely guilty about it...muhahahahaha. We were out fairly early, by 9:30...and they had a band playing there. They were pretty good, and LJ became friends with the lead singer because he kept making announcements in the mic that we were there to celebrate her.

Ok, so I COULD NOT get drunk. I drank beer at dinner, had a martini, a GnT, 2 beers and 4 shots...and I was not even remotely drunk. I mean, I was slightly buzzed. After Katy bought me a beer when we were dancing and I finished it with lame results, I just gave up and decided to stop spending money. It was weird, it was like I was not allowed to get ridiculous, the Gods were working against me. I had an amazing time anyway. We all danced for hourrrrrsss upstairs at East End. I LOVE dancing with Shawanda, because she's amazing. She is so adorable, and she's short like me, so I bum all of her moves. There was a ton of booty shakin, haha...cause Latesha and Laurinda both stayed to party. It was so GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I have been training really hard the past month or so at Ninjutsu. I have been going to the taijutsu class pretty consistently and I have been pushing myself so hard hitting the standing water bag that I am starting to get blisters on my knuckles. and this is after I got new awesome new gloves. haha, I'm so hardcore. Anyway, today I'm pretty sure I broke my toe. It's all nasty, bloody under my toenail and black and blue. guh-ross. So now I can't hardly walk. Now I'll have to wait it out for a few days until it heals and I can walk normally.

Ninja party tomorrow! Spontaneous trip to NY next weekend! Lori Jo's wedding after that! Pumpkin carving party after that! NY and LDN after that!

A Penguins Update, The Kitchen and some other things I've realized...

Look! A Penguin!

Ok, so my class is definitely the strangest class at our center. I loveee the kiddos, but dang, sometimes they are just so bizarre. Anyway, I have been so busy so far this semester that I haven't had time to do a bunch of the projects I've wanted to do at work. One of which are sneaker planters to hang outside. I got this idea from the Inclusion Conference, Outdoor Learning Environments. You get old sneakers, fill them with dirt and plant some seeds in the heel, then hang them from a fence or a tree by the shoelaces. It's adorable and it's awesome outdoor natural artwork...something our playground needs immensely. So in the meantime, I had been working on this book for my Penguins. It's about all the things they do in the classroom. Each page has a penguin that one of the kids has colored and some hilarious captions that I wrote about the pictures. I finally finished it today and was so proud of myself that I took pictures of it...and you, dear reader, have the privilege of seeing it here first hand.












The Kitchen

Ok, so my kitchen is not done (OBVIOUSLY) but I thought I would post some pics of the udpates. Ignore that I have no molding, no toe-kicks, an unpainted dry-walled wall, a fucked up tile wall that will eventually get retiled...oh, and no countertop yet. But the cabinets are beautiful and I wanted to take pictures of them, so here they are :)






Life

My Models of Early Childhood Services class is definitely one of the best classes I have ever taken at Carolina. Dr. Palsha is amazzzzing! She knows everything and something I really like about her is that she tells personal stories about her experiences, and they are actually meaningful and relevant to what we are learning and taking away from class. As a Bio major, I did not have too many professors that told anecdotes that were interesting or pertinent, except for Dr. Church who taught my Pathology class, cause he's the bomb too.

Today in class we read the story I posted below (A Trip to Holland). I love stuff like this because it always reassures me that I am in the right field, and I am doing what I do for a reason. I just adore children with special needs and I cannot imagine my life not working with children that are disabled or terminally ill. This class has given me a much needed boost professionally, and I am very appreciative of Dr. Palsha's enthusiasm. I am thinking about asking Sensei Broom about starting a program to teach Ninjutsu to children with special needs. Martial Arts are one of the sports that I feel like everyone can do no matter their ability. I would love to teach a class like that. My time is really limited, but that is just an idea right now that I wanted to write down.

Also, I am always talking and complaining about my romantic relationship situation...and today in class I realized some things. I don't think I'm upset about the fact that I'm not married or in a serious relationship right now. I'm upset because I value family so much, and I want to have a family with a really healthy home life. For me, that would mean a husband. I'm not looking for one, so you need not apply...but I do want to have a baby at some point with someone I love AND who loves me back (that's the important part). I've also decided after that one baby, I'd like to adopt. I hadn't thought about adoption too much previous to taking this class...but I think I would really enjoy raising a child from another culture and learning about that culture to make it part of my life too. Generally, I would like to find a partner who is willing to commit1, is not scared of me and is basically like, "You do your thing, I'll do my thing, but we are in this crazy life together. I'll back you up." Is that so much to ask? Haha maybe.

I also saw my friends Chris and Jas last night. They have one and a half year old, named Desmond. He's my pseudo-nephew. I love him. I have known him since before he was born :) He has been afraid of my laugh since he was born too and it always takes him a while to remember, "Oh yea, this is Katie. I'm ok with her and now I'm going to go get her all of the books off of my shelf and put them in her lap." I miss seeing them a lot...I need to just be less busy so I can see all my friends more often.


Me and Des

A Trip to Holland

By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans…the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.

Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland!” “Holland?” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place.

So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.

But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that experience will never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Never Forget

Before I even woke up this morning I already had 3 texts from my friends. I love them. It's always a hard day and I always have strange flashbacks about the events of that day...and how my school shut down and nobody knew where the hell anyone's parents were who worked in Manhattan. guhhhhh, awful. But at least (Thank God) I have great friends and family, so it makes it bearable.

S.T. / M.O. / M.C. 9/11/01 Never Forget

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In happy news...I got a fridge that works, fits, and costs more money...HOORAY!!!! No, it's pretty sweet, the water/ice maker are all hooked up, it's fanfuckingtastic. The stove now works...and its AWESOMESAUCE!

Some other issues - they cannot install the dishwasher until the countertop goes in, the microwave is now attached to the wall, but the idiot electrician put the wiring up there, but no plug. So now I have to call him back and have him come put that on for some strange reason. I still have no sink and no counter...but that will be in the next couple weeks :) Now that the stove works and I can get water from my fridge...I can actually cook something. Tonight probably won't be the christening night though, the kitchen is too messy still from the installation and I don't feel like cleaning it up.

Speaking of installation --- why do all male delivery men that come to my house want to be my best friend? You can't be nice to people anymore...it started to get creepy...re: this interchange:
Delivery Guy [about 6'4", black guy, ~30 years old]: (in a baby voice) Ma'am do you have a bandaid, I got a boo-boo while installing the microwave.
Me: (confused voice) Uhh, let me check, I might not have any left.
DG: Also, will you put it on for me? (holds out finger)
Me: (petrified smile) Uhhhh hold on...(finds bandaid) All I have is bright yellow curious George eating a banana.
DG: Thanks! (holds out finger)
Me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

creepy right? Then they called me back twice after they left my house and left NO MESSAGES! wtf...I was scared, I might have to sleep with one eye open tonight.

gollllly

Today

...was one of these days.

In some exciting news...tomorrow all my appliances will be hooked up and working and fully installed. If it all goes smoothy (which I doubt it will) it will be an exceptionally monumentous occassion.

I didn't really get much work done on my teacher workday today...there was a lot of other BS to take care of in my life. Whoops. But at least that BS is out of the way now.

I need to remember I'm in school and that I have reading to do. I keep forgetting that I actually have to do homework... and then class sneaks up on me and I'm in a rush to do it. School is great, boring at times, but I think maybe that's the nature of the beast.

Cory posted a bunch of Italy pics today...solidifying the fact that I am moving there when I get my teaching license. I looked it up and I will get paid beaucoup d'argent more with that license than I would if i go now. So I will stick to my original plan to see where my life is at in 2-3 years and evaluate. If I am not making a ton of money, madly in love or having to stay here for a family issue...I'm moving to Italy. Probably to Rome, but I'm considering applying to the Medical School in Bologna or studying early childhood education in Reggio Emilia. First I need to do my American homework though :)

Oh and I got rejected 3 times when asking friends to go to the DMB concert w me next week. CMON PEOPLE! I'm FUN! But actually I asked two boys and then Ryan...the hilarious part is that Ry told me she could go and then realized she couldn't. it's almost hilarious at this point. If you are reading this and you want to go, that would be great.

What da fuck you say?

1. My last post was not about one person. Many of my posts are passively agressively aimed toward someone, but this one was not. Seriously.

2. There was a lot of PDA at Southpoint tonight. EW. Ok, I'm all about some occassional, light hand-holding or maybe a small whisper in the ear when no one is looking. But I am NOT about the makin out, kissing, arms intertwined, hand around the hips grossness that I witnessed tonight. This is NOT a joke...I saw a guy LICK his girlfriends face while we were in Champps watching the carolina game. I mean he licked it with his big ole tongue from chin to forehead. what the hell?

3. I unpacked my kitchen today. It made me exhausted but...HOLLLLLLLAAAAA!

4. I love the phrase dum-dum. I think I'm bringing that back.

5. Next weekend is full of parties for bachelorettes and ninjas...I'm STOKED!

More Ranting...

so why doesn't anyone work on their personal growth? people are just content to let their issues follow them around. why don't we just work on them and make more complete humans with full lives? ugh. it's so frustrating. nobody wants to commit to anyone else. nobody wants to sacrifice a little in order to gain a lot. and nobody seems to really give a shit about anyone besides themselves.

oooh, that seems harsh.

Oh the Places You'll Go

i have been thinking a bunch this week about happiness. it's a topic that i think about all the time, but most of the time i personally feel very unhappy and discontent. my friend sandy lent me her copy of The Art of Happiness, and that gave me perspective for a little while, but then i sort of forget everything that made a light bulb go off in my head, and i fall into the same old routines.

it's strange because i always feel like i'm at an "inbetween point" in my life. like im never moving forward. i like being in school this semester, but i hope i don't get burnt out. i do finally feel like once i finish this program, i will at least have something concrete. with this teaching license, i can pretty much teach anywhere i want from Birth-3rd grade, even though it's a birth-kindergarten license. that is much more gratifying than my dumb biology major. even my exss minor has gotten me further than all my bio work!

i have been thinking more strongly about moving abroad after i get my teaching license. if i move to italy, i would be set since that is where most of the great educators formed their philosophies. and plus, italians love children, and they value them and believe them to be important. i still haven't been to israel, egypt and greece. those are three countries on my list that have not yet been visited. though my parents would never let me to go israel or egypt even though i'm dyiiiiing to see both. sometimes i think i should just be an archeologist, since i find ancient egypt so interesting. then i'm like forget this - i should just move to japan and live in a house with a sensai on a mountain and study ninjutsu for the rest of my life and completely take on that lifestyle, not having to worry about anything else. but then i remember that i really want a healthy family, with a full life of friendships and a career that i love. damn me.

i'm clearly also at an inbetween point with relationships, both friendships and romantically. i feel like having made ALL brand new friends this year has been extremely difficult. most people i know now, don't even know the old katie. who the hell was i before? the only people who really, truly know me and love me are my friends from rvc, plus lauren. it's funny because i really like all the new friends i've made, it's just that they haven't known me that long. it's weird that they just don't know what my life was like before, since i am compllllllllllletely different. i know people change, of course, during the span of their lives, but i have been forced to change in this one year so substantially. this is cliche, but it's almost like i am getting to know a new me. haha. that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. and as for relationships, well, im not really out there to date so much. if i met a guy randomly that i really liked, id prolly date him, but chances are slim, i'm pretty picky. i do really like cory, but that is a whole separate situation that is not moving forward anytime in the near future. which is a good thing...i just feel so unhappy about it all.

when i think about how i have made all new friends, instead of seeing the joys of these newly found friendships, all i can think about are the circumstances behind these friendships that forced me to seek them out! which, by the way, really sucks. plus, i'm scared. all the time. there is no way that anything like what happened last year can ever happen to me again, because i just can't handle it. i mean, nobody could. seriously. when i hang out with wesley and lyndsi, it is so crystal clear that they love each other, truly. i know only a few other young couples like that, that actually commit to each other like that. that's what i want. i mean, it is kind of a tall order because that takes so long to cultivate and work on, that my impatience prolly won't allow me to accept that i need to wait for someone who is actually worth it. that's the thing - what the hell does that even mean anymore?! i guess i'm ranting based on my own personal experience, which is nowhere remotely close to the normal 23-year-olds....but still.

i also realize that i am an extremely intense person. but it is who i am, i can't help it so much. sometimes i try to hold back, but eventually the truth leaks out. it's true...i freak people out. this has been making me a little upset. it is so difficult to find people who can keep up with me. i can run on E for longer than most people. i feel like i constantly push myself to the limit because i get so bored when i'm not doing anything. i know that i am passionate and driven and this year has not been the most shining example of that, but it's still underneath. i don't know how to make it so that people are not scared and intimidated by me. i have been struggling with this since the 6th grade. other friends parents would even tell me later in high school that when their kid became friends with me, they were scared themselves because i seemed so intimidating! wtf...i was in the 6th grade.

part of it is that NY is an intense place, and you have keep up your shell because that's the nature of the beast in that environment. i think maybe i have been more sensitive lately because i know 9/11 is fast approaching. ugh. i hate it. i hate that every year i am in a trance all during the day. i have the same pictures and sequence of events running through my head over and over. i try to talk or text all of my friends from NY, if i don't receive a message from them first...though we're pretty good about it. but i think that it's just making me sad, adding to the unhappiness. i hate thinking about all 40 funerals at St. Agnes and i hate remembering what it was like to have running lists of missing people in our heads for weeks. i hate thinking about how much my dad cried during the following weeks. and worst of all, i hate thinking that some terrorist is going to nuke the shit out of NY and i will lose my whole family and my whole life. the whole thing is always in the back of my mind reminding me about the value of life, of living life.

so i guess my point is that maybe i need to have more faith in people. maybe i need to believe people when they say they like me, they want to be my friend and they say i'm an interesting person. maybe i need to NOT believe some people when they devalue me because it makes them feel more powerful. maybe i need to go with the flow a little bit more. maybe i need to not worry so much about what's going to happen with my life. maybe i need to think like a guy for a little bit and just chill out in the moment.

Ok I'm RELOADED

And I also decided I'm getting another tatoo this month. Where? I dunno. The choices are my shoulder, inside of my wrist or the top of my foot. Pain is not a factor.

File that under "Complaints" and some good things

Complaint 1:
My vacation cannot arrive fast enough. I love the kiddos, but honestly, teaching 12 months of the year is completely exhausting. This month will be my one year anniversary at FPG! Feels like the longest year of my life (um, I mean, it has been). It's the best job I've ever had and has given me so much insight into myself and the way I think about life, it's all been totally invaluable. But still, I cannot wait to go to NY and London. Seriously.

Complaint 2:
My kitchen remodel is a disaster. My whole house is tilted, so since the cabinets were put in correctly, it shows the prominent tilt of the house with the space that it's left between the cabinets and the ceiling. My fridge doesn't fit so it has to be returned and I had to buy a more expensive one that actually fits. I thought I was done spending money on this place...grrr, guess not.

Complaint 3:
School sometimes is boooooring. So this is a small complaint, because for the most part I am LOVING the fact that I'm back in school. I was dreading it for a while, but turns out, its great. I love being on campus and I even feel less disconnected to the Carolina community now than I did my senior year, so I'm happy to have that experience.

Complaint 4:
Cleaning my other condo was far too painful. So I have to pay someone to do it. I'd rather do that though than cry through the entire process of reliving my past life. just whatever, boo.

Complaint 5:
My dog is a psycho.

I am dyiiiiing to see my friends in NY. It has been such a heavy weight on my mind lately and I have been missing everyone so intensly. I think maybe because Nina's and Coal's engagement parties were last month and I just feel like I've missed out on some important parts of my friends lives. I hate that feeling.

So there are some good things...
The kitchen is really almost done, so that's good. The DMB concert is in two weeks and that always cheers me up immensly. I have been doing a lot of writing on my own, and it's been really great. I feel like I'm making progress on my personal growth. I've also been doing a little bit of standup writing. I'm not very good at it, but at least its a nice form to write some of the dumb jokes I tell myself in my head.


For the girls at the Rock...

I remember thinking
Ill go on forever only knowing
Ill see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would like to dance
Around the world with me
Ill be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here thats hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, Ill back you up
I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other
Ill be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
Hen your not here thats hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, Ill back you up