Old Kate

I know that I have not written about London yet...but I will, I promise.

But some other things have been on my mind lately. Like...how do you know when people are lying? How do you know when people are sincere and genuine? I hate that I don't know this anymore, I used to have such faith in my gut instinct, and now I feel like I have no idea. I think everyone is lying...ALL THE TIME! I wish I didn't feel like that, I just don't know who to trust, or who I can trust. Sometimes I feel like I can confide in people, then something small will happen, I overanalyze the shit out of it like I always do...and there I am, doubting everything.

I try to look at things positively and be happy and thoughtful and genuine...so why aren't people the same to me? I feel like I deserve people to be the same towards me. Is that selfish? Though I feel like I have come so far (which is AWESOME)...still how long will it take to get the Old Kate back?

I just realized 95% of this post is questions. Haha...oops.

whoa

lots of things have happened in the past two weeks.

i went to london.

when i have more time, i will write about it.

:)

Transparent or Opaque

People are so complex. I have been thinking a lot lately about how we get into each other's heads. Why do we crave knowing what other's are thinking? I am always wondering what other's are thinking, feeling and churning around in there. Why? Why do I even care?

I think maybe it has to do with my appreciation for honesty. I am someone who, for the most part, tells the truth. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lie..but even in those situations, when it comes down to it, I come out with how I really feel. When you've been through a situation or incident where you end up getting hurt by lies, I think you gain a new appreciation for honesty.

Humans are smart. We are clever beings. We have the skills for deception and also the ability to become completely vulnerable by telling the truth; but in my experience I've found that you employ one or the other. People who lie are usually afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of letting their internal core get rocked by someone else's truth or worse...their own. People who are wide open are often seen as crazy or overwhelming. Obviously, we should all have internal boundaries, we should always be protecting ourselves. BUT WHY DO PEOPLE LIE!?

Being caught up in a web of your own lies is difficult to deal with...being the victim who is being lied to is a whole different story. It makes you lose trust and it makes you lose faith. I do know, I am aware, that I can only control myself. I hope that I have chosen people to be my friends that are honest, good people...I think this time around that I have. I hope.

be over already

you know how some days you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like "guuuuhhhhh, ew?"

yea. sorry mirror, tomorrow will be better.

good news...i got a wage$ check today...right in time to go to London. funny how the universe works.

it's called procrastination...

and I'm doing it right now.

Can't midterms and this week just be over already so I can:

1 - go to NY and see my soon-to-be-gallbladder-less sister
2 - get fitted for my best friend's bridesmaids dress
3 - see Lo
4 - GO TO LONDON!!!!!!
5 - Did I mention...GO TO LONDON!!!!!

Other good news...tomorrow I'm getting a countertop - finally! Dear reader, if you are a twenty-somethings female...don't ever remodel your kitchen without help. I have no idea what I was thinking! I mean, I'll admit that I'm pretty proud of myself -- but at the same time, I may or may not have an ulcer from this experience.

Here's something I write about often...the internet. Why do people think this is a venue for secret messages? I'll never understand it. It drives me bonkers. There have been several occassions recently where this topic has come up...people saying, "Oh, they can see that?" The internet is public people...it's public! Other people can see what you are doing! CHULLO? Anybody is home in dere?

Also, lying doesn't do anyone any good. Lying = bad. Note to everyone...stop lying.

Ok, now that that stuff is out of the way...

I'M GOING TO LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dear London,

See you in exactly one week.

Love,
Kate

Letting It Go

Did you ever have one of those epiphanies out of the blue where you realize something will just work out, it will just be o.k.? Well I don't have them often because I stress out randomly about dumb things...but this weekend...I had several. When I feel stressed out I try to think of the serenity prayer...and remember that I can't control other people or situations...I can only control myself. However, I rarely believe this in my core. Like I just don't let things go...but it's weird, I feel like I have let a bunch of things go recently.

Have you ever seen the movie Enough with Jennifer Lopez? Her husband is abusive and she runs away from him, then she trains in martial arts and ends up kicking the shit out of him. She becomes the powerful one. That's me. I don't give myself enough credit for how far I've come...and now that I have started to really remember who I am...I am able to let things go. It's a weird feeling, awesome, but weird. Like I literally feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. It really is awesome.

I guess this is kind of inspiried by the movie I saw this weekend, The Brave One, with Jodie Foster. Now I'm not going to go around shooting people for justice...I'm just saying - maybe it takes different amounts of time for each of us to work things out in our brains, or our hearts...(ok, and maybe some people would rather shoot their enemies).

On a funny note - in the movie, Nicky Katt plays the secondary Detective to Terence Howard's character. You may remember him from Boston Public...he's been in a bunch of other things too. Anyway, there is this one scene where there are two dead guys on the subway train which is stopped at a station - and one of the bodies is hanging out the door. So the police arrive at the scene - and Nicky Katt's character is like witty, funny guy in this movie - he approaches the body, looks down, and says, "Christ on a cracker!" O.k. - well this is juxtaposed with this very sad, serious scene with jodie foster crying --- and what am I doing in the theater? HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING. Is that wrong? Did I ruin that scene for everyone? Nobody else was laughing. But, I mean, c'mon, he said "Christ on a cracker!" Anyway that was the funniest thing I've heard in a movie besides, "It rhymes with smushmortion."

Hamlet

I think that sometimes, people sort of forget that we are who we are. Change is not easy. Sometimes we fight change, sometimes we are forced to change, and sometimes we have such willpower, that we work as hard as we can to make change happen. I feel like deep down though, we are just us...a unique person, unlike any other person that has lived before us, at the same time as us, or will ever live.

Tonight at Ryan's pumpkin party, it was pointed out while playing CatchPhrase, that I am very competitive. This is completely true. I have played sports my whole life and I went to a high school where everything was cut-throat...grades, sports, extracurriculars, the clothes on your back. However, I feel like as I've gotten older, I have managed to not care about outcomes so much...but I am intense and I do like to play as such...this is not a problem in sports or friendly games...but it's totally a problem in real life.

We are all judging each other. We are all sizing each other up to see what qualities we possess versus what others possess. I feel like it takes a lot to really know yourself deeply, what your wants, needs, and feelings really are. IF we are unhappy with ourselves is it because we feel we are inadequate or is it because we really just don't know ourselves?

Sometimes I bother myself. I find myself comparing myself to others...and I lose sight of who I am and what I'm about. I feel like I need to change to be someone I'm not instead of embracing my own uniqueness. This post is a reminder that I am who I am...I don't need to change to please anyone, unless that anyone is myself.

DOMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASHITA

I'm really tired, I got home really late and I have a ton more studying and work to do...but real quick...tonight was my belt graduation! I was so excited for it...I didn't officially invite any friends because I kind of chickened out, it's kind of scary having people watch while you are violently attacked and have to defend yourself. Anyway, it was great! I have to say, I'm pretty dang proud of myself. This is mainly because I have basically been a yellow belt for a year. I kept getting sick and having to miss a lot of class, so it has taken me forever to graduate. Some friends I have made there that started at the same time as me are now blue belts as of tonight. It is so exciting for everyone. I felt like I did a pretty good job during my demonstration, some of my katas were a little sloppy, but it goes so fast it's hard to correct yourself.

Afterwards Sensai Broom came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. He is amazing. Rachel was saying how she felt kind of silly because during the belt presentation she had "that warm, fuzzy feeling." But actually I kind of felt that way too. Rachel and Mike have lived here for two years, and Rachel was saying that the dojo is like the first real place where she feels that she has genuine friends, genuinely good people, people who have values and people who care...in the whole time she's lived here. It is true that the people who are really there to stay are amazing. They are all so interesting and just so real. For me, studying ninjutsu has changed my life. To actually follow the Code of Mindful Action that we recite at the beginning of each class, you will, without doubt, become an amazing person. I'm getting there...slowly.

27510/27514/27516

As midterms start to sneak up on me...I have been spending more time on campus. and on a side note i got an awesome parking spot tonight between davis and hamilton. anyway, I just have been so busy that I hadn't been enjoying chapel hill and carrboro as much as i know i usually do. so tonight after i left the library, i went for a walk around campus by myself. I LOVE the smell of campus (and yes, I associate it with a very specific smell). I love the smell of fall, and I love the sense of crispness that comes with fall. I really like walking on the brick pathways...I always say this to my friends, but I just think it is amazing how old unc chapel hill is - and that these pathways, and especially their surrounding trees, were the very pathways and the very trees that were there when the university was founded. that just boggles my mind, it blows me away.

If I'm feeling extra Chapel Hill-ish, I might go to The Skylight Exchange tomorrow and get a milkshake. I feel like not a lot of students at unc even know that skylight exists. well guess what kiddos, it does...and they have awesome sandwiches and milkshakes. It's kind of like the Chelsea movie theater - I know that the Varsity has many independent films too - but the Chelsea is your best bet for independent and foreign if you don't want to go to durham or raleigh. I love this place (this does not change that I might want to move, haha).

Also, I had an awesome conversation with the woman who cut my hair today. She is one of the owner's of syds that I hadn't met. Which we both laughed at, considering that's ridiculous since I've been getting my hair cut there for 4 years. Anyway, she kind of reminded me that I'm awesome. Is that weird to write? haha, I guess cutting, coloring, styling people's hair, you get into pretty lengthy conversations with people...and you get to sort of see into their lives. so she saw into my life a little...and we talked about my new house and my job and all the things i do. if you are close with me at all, you know that i am EXTREMELY HARD on myself. extremely. and you know that I get ridiculously stressed out at things that don't matter. at all. so a lot of the time, I don't even think about how much I enjoy doing the things I'm doing and I'm not proud of my accomplishments because I unrealistically expect better than my best. (i know, i know, it's an issue, i'm working on it). so anyway, my hairdresser Erin, made me feel awesome about my life. She even told me some, what she called "inspiring" stories about friends shes had that have been in similar situations as me. and she was like, think of it like this, "you can travel whenever you want, with whoever you want or no one at all...I'm jealous." Ha, I know right? And I am doing just that. So Erin, thanks for the inspiration and the validation. Not only did I get a new haircut, but I got a fantastic life lesson! Erin is another reason I love chapel hill...people like her can be found here.

and one more issue. if you are easily spooked, or freaked out, stop reading now. ok, well earlier this afternoon, the remote on my coffee table started shaking back and forth, and i put my hand on the table to see if it was vibrating, but it wasn't...then at school, a book on the shelf started like shaking kind of while it was just leaning upright(my coworker saw this too), then just a little bit ago, the touch lamp that has three settings, it randomly started going from 1-2-3-1-2-3 without anything touching it, like i even went over to see if there was like a bug or something that was hopping on it - nope, no bug. no mouse. no velociraptor. just a ghost.

It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget
- Yellowcard

sometimes my faith in the human race is restored

Will: So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?
Sean: October 21st, 1975.
Will: Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date?
Sean: Oh yeah. Cus' it was game six of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history.
Will: Yeah, sure.
Sean: My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets.
Will: You got tickets?
Sean: Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the 8th Carbo ties it up at a 6-6. It went to 12. Bottom of the 12th, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
Will: Yeah, yeah.
Sean: And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman.
Will: Yeah, I've seen...
Sean: He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know?
Will: Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way!
Sean: Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people...
Will: I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin' game!
Sean: Yeah!
Will: Did you rush the field?
Sean: No, I didn't rush the fuckin' field, I wasn't there.
Will: What?
Sean: No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife.
Will: You missed Pudge Fisk's homerun?
Sean: Oh yeah.
Will: To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met?
Sean: Yeah, but you shoulda seen her. She was a stunner.
Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's game six!
Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy...
Will: Oh my God, and who are these fuckin' friends of yours they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh... They had to.
Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, "Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl."
Will: I gotta go see about a girl?
Sean: Yeah.
Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
Will: You're kiddin' me.
Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
[pause]
Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though.
Sean: I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.
- Good Will Hunting




someday :)



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thanks for being real, thanks for restoring the faith :)